Savage Love - March 11, 2009  

Savage Love - March 11, 2009  

 

My husband and I have been together for about four years and have been married for a little over a year. He’s 31; I’m 27. We started out as friends and soon began a long-distance relationship, until I got pregnant. We have a great friendship, and honestly I wouldn’t want to be with anyone else. Here’s our problem: I have the sex drive of a 16-year-old boy, whereas he’s practically asexual. The fact that we even got pregnant is quite shocking.

Early on, it didn’t bother me much—infrequent sex is common in long-distance relationships—but now that we’re married, he would still rather jack off to porn. I’m not hideous. I’m in great shape, my “amazing ass” gets hit on all the time, and I’m an open-minded, porn-loving girl—but my husband isn’t interested. LAME. The sex he does give me is quasi-forced, strictly missionary, and at most three times a year. But the solo sex he has in front of the computer while I’m at work happens three times a week at least. LAMER.

The topic has been discussed often. Especially after I go out with friends and come home at an indecent hour, upon which I must explain that I spent the night being chatted up by blokes who noticed my “amazing ass.” He’s admitted that his sex drive has been a problem in his previous relationships. I guess I’m just getting to the point where one of these days, I’m going to fuck a minor-league soccer team. Any thoughts?
Sexless And Desperate

Your husband—who is beating off three times a week in front of the computer—is interested in sex, SAD. He’s just not interested in sex with you or anyone else he’s ever been with. But ultimately, the issue here isn’t sex. It’s about neglect and selfishness and false advertising. (When we marry, we’re signing up to fuck someone at least semiregularly for decades. Not interested in fucking? Don’t marry.) Since he’s unlikely to change his ways—his stunted, sexually selfish ways—you have just two options: an open relationship or a new relationship.

Considering your compatibility and the fact that you have a child, I’d encourage you to stay together. So an open relationship it is—and he shouldn’t have a problem with that. If sex doesn’t matter to him, if he’s indifferent to sex and/or you, then it shouldn’t matter to him if you occasionally do this supremely unimportant thing with other people and/or minor-league soccer teams. So long as you’re a good and loving partner and coparent, and so long as your family is your first priority, you should be free to seek safe, sane, and nondisruptive sex elsewhere. Added perk for him: no more quasi-forced sex with you.

And who knows? Maybe knowing that you’re having sex with other dudes—or just knowing that you can have sex with other dudes—will cause your husband to develop a bad case of sperm-competition syndrome (Google it), and the husband will be inspired, fucking you three times a week instead of his fist.

I’m 21, female, and pretty experienced. The guy I’m dating now is 23 and a virgin. I’d really like to avoid some of the awkwardness that I’m sure is going to arise, seeing as I’m his first. (And has arisen—the first time we attempted to do the deed, he was so nervous he couldn’t stay hard; he also thought he was “in” when, in reality, he was humping my leg.) I’m at a loss. Obviously this is going to take a lot of communication in the moment; aside from that, do you have any advice for how to make this less awkward for both of us?
First Isn’t Really Sexy Time

Mess around a few times—at least a half a dozen times—with vaginal penetration off the menu, ratcheting down the performance anxiety for your boy. Once he’s seen that, yes, his dick does work—yes we can get hard, yes we can stay hard, yes we can blow a load with a woman in the room—then you can move on to vaginal intercourse. And take control, FIRST: Tell him—as sexily as possible—what you’re going to doing before you get started, tell him what you’re doing while you’re doing it, and then you can tell him when he’s “in” instead of letting him guess.

And, finally, a little required reading for the virgins out there and the people who’re about to fuck some sense into them: The Virgin Project. Illustrators K. D. Boze and Stasia Kato interviewed all sorts of people—gay, straight, bi; young, old, ancient—about their loss-of-virginity experiences. The illustrated stories in The Virgin Project are moving, hilarious, and heartbreaking in turn—sometimes all three at once—and knowing that everyone’s first time is awkward, and that some folks’ first times are unpleasant, and that most of us survive them, might be good for your virgin, FIRST. It couldn’t hurt you to be reminded of those things, either.

I appreciated your responses to Missing Kisses and Loses Interest Quickly, and I would like to share what worked for me some years ago when I wanted to taste my own come but was hesitant—and I’ve got two follow-up questions for you.

My girlfriend (now wife), like LIQ’s wife, was frustrated that my come-eating ambitions would disappear after climax. So we figured out a way for me to eat it before I climaxed: I masturbate into a ziplock bag and put it in the freezer. Then during our lovemaking session we retrieve the baggie—she feeds it to me in frozen chunks, or she lays the frozen pieces on her body and I lick it up as it melts, preclimax of course. Because of these baby steps, now on special occasions I even eat it “fresh” after I’ve come in her.

Two questions: Could home-frozen sperm—stored for 24 hours or so in a regular household freezer—impregnate my wife? And if so, is there a risk of birth defects or miscarriage? Also, we are interested in using my ejaculate as an ingredient in cooking—are you aware of any legit recipes that use human semen?
Coming Around To Cream Pies

Frozen spermcicles gross me out, CATCP, and I arrive at this debate with a real affection for the stuff. So I can’t imagine your idea will catch on, even among guys like you and LIQ. Another reader had a better idea: a little tantric woo-woo. “Through specific breathing patterns and concentration, you can make yourself come without ejaculating; or, you can ejaculate a little and still be hard,” writes Mr. F. “I can bring myself to a ‘mini-orgasm’ where I just slightly come on my girlfriend’s tits, go right back to riding her again, and tease her by licking a bit off. She loves it.”

As for your questions…

“Sperm frozen in a household freezer would probably be useless for insemination,” says David E. Battaglia, an associate professor at Oregon Health & Science University and a fertility consultant. “The issue isn’t genetic damage (there probably wouldn’t be any). The issue is sperm survival. Sperm has to be frozen in special solutions in order to survive, and we freeze it in liquid-nitrogen temperatures.”

And while I’ve never cooked with sperm—if it’s not in Mark Bittman’s How To Cook Everything, it was either meant to be eaten raw or not at all—there’s a cookbook out there for you: Natural Harvest: A Collection of Semen-Based Recipes.

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