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Science proves that Ozzy Osbourne is a Neanderthal

The recent study to determine what makes Ozzy Osbourne such a recreational drug Weeble has been completed, and now that his evil genome has been broken down into all its nasty bits, what can it tell us about the average human being’s capacity for LSD, cocaine, and Jack Daniel's? Unfortunately, the company that conducted the research was unable to pinpoint the “Ozzy Osbourne gene,” which means that any prospective eugenics projects intended to create a super race of worrisome houseguests are still merely hypothetical. But they did learn a couple things: Osbourne is a descendant of the Neanderthals—like some Asians and Europeans, one of the few living links to the extinct species—which Osbourne jokingly said would “not come as much of a surprise” to his wife or various police departments. He’s also a distant relative of Jesse James, Russian tsar Nicholas II, King George I, and shares DNA with ancient Romans who were killed in the eruption of Mt. Vesuvius. History is just one never-ending orgy. Anyway, none of this particularly helps Osbourne with his original “why am I still alive?” question, but something tells us that’s beyond science.    

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