Lifetime has debuted another teaser for its upcoming The Unauthorized Saved By The Bell Story—the story the authorities don’t want you to know, because you are an adult whose time would be better spent on literally anything else. Arguing against that mindset is this new preview, which recycles much of the footage from that previous clip, like a set of nameless background extras, doomed to walk in circles through the neon halls to nowhere.
And yet, it also includes what will no doubt prove to be the defining moment of the entire movie, and possibly 2014: a distraught, animalistic Dustin Diamond punching a fan in the face while screaming, “I am not Screech!” Indeed, Diamond’s desperate yearning to break free of Screech was so powerful, he would go on to write a book about it that became this movie. And now it’s we who lie, bloody-nosed on the sidewalk, victims of his assault.
Anyway, hey, look at Zack’s giant cell phone. Remember that? Ha ha. Damn it. I am going to watch this whole goddamn thing and then Erik is probably going to make me write about it. Fuck you, Screech.