If you've ever had the opportunity to peruse computer code, you've probably noticed that, to the untrained eye, it looks like garbled gobbledygook, all function () this and int main () that. You've probably asked yourself, “Wouldn't it be better if all this could be replaced with something concise and easy? Something thoughtful, original, and delivered with perfect clarity? You know, like Arnold Schwarzenegger dialogue.” Your wish has come true.
Meet ArnoldC, the programming language made up entirely of lines delivered in films by the former governor and sovereign ruler of Planet Hollywood. In ArnoldC, every program starts with “IT’S SHOWTIME” and ends with “YOU’RE TERMINATED”. You don’t tell your program to divide a number; instead, you tell it “HE HAD TO SPLIT.” Logic statements include phrases like “YOU ARE NOT YOU YOU ARE ME” (equals), or “CONSIDER THIS A DIVORCE” (or). It turns every snippet of code into a heavily accented action-fueled thrill ride.
The whole thing is profoundly stupid—it does nothing a normal coding language couldn't do in a tenth of the space—but that doesn't stop us from giggling like idiots while imagining the following ArnoldC program, which prints numbers one through 10, being read in Schwarzenegger’s mellifluous voice. Of course, it’ll be less funny when robots running ArnoldC rise up to destroy humanity, as they inevitably must.
HEY CHRISTMAS TREE isLessThan10
YOU SET US UP
HEY CHRISTMAS TREE n
YOU SET US UP 0
STICK AROUND isLessThan10
GET TO THE CHOPPER n
HERE IS MY INVITATION n
GET UP 1
TALK TO THE HAND n
GET TO THE CHOPPER isLessThan10
HERE IS MY INVITATION 10
LET OFF SOME STEAM BENNET n
YOU HAVE BEEN TERMINATED
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