People tell you who they are, but we ignore it—because we want them to be who we want them to be. Jon Hamm will tell you, “I’m a successful, handsome, very famous TV and movie star who’s equally adept at drama and comedy, and yes, I have an enormous penis that I rarely constrain with underwear.” And so we force this identity on him, because suddenly, that enormous penis is all we see. Their own wants be damned, “the handsome, famous guy with the enormous penis” is who we want them to be.
Well, don’t think about Jon Hamm’s enormous penis. Put Jon Hamm’s enormous penis out of your mind.
As he relays to Rolling Stone, Hamm has been upstaged by his penis far too many times of late—most recently on the set of Mad Men, but also in enough gossip rags amusing themselves with juvenile dick jokes that he’s finally had it up to here [holds hand over the tip of Jon Hamm’s enormous penis]. “Most of it's tongue-in-cheek,” Hamm said of the tone of this reporting, and not of the body contortions he must undergo to accommodate his enormous penis. “But it is a little rude. It just speaks to a broader freedom that people feel like they have—a prurience. They're called 'privates' for a reason.”
And just in case a gentle, scolding grandma appeal to modesty in the midst of discussing it for the cover story of a major magazine isn’t enough to get everyone to stop talking about Jon Hamm’s penis right before his TV series returns, Hamm puts the hammer down—which, no, is not a euphemism for his enormous penis. Haven’t you been listening? “I'm wearing pants, for fuck's sake. Lay off,” Hamm says. “I mean, it's not like I'm a fucking lead miner. There are harder jobs in the world. But when people feel the freedom to create Tumblr accounts about my cock, I feel like that wasn't part of the deal.”
Still, in addition to acknowledging that he could be a humble lead miner—toiling in the dangerous lead mines where distracting scuttlebutt about enormous penises could end up getting someone killed—Hamm also recognizes there are maybe worse things than being a handsome, famous man who everyone thinks has an enormous penis. “But whatever. I guess it's better than being called out for the opposite," he says, quite diplomatically.
Anyway, as Hamm spoke about the indignity of the whole world constantly discussing his body parts like he’s some piece of meat, presumably Christina Hendricks stood behind him, playing the world’s largest violin with Jon Hamm’s enormous penis.
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