It really doesn't pay to spend much time rationalizing why you shower your darling with sweets on Valentine's Day. Sure, you care, and yes, sometimes it's nice to indulge, but it would be dishonest to ignore the subtext: your hope that the post-goodie sugar high will disorient your loved one long enough for him or her to overlook your faults and have sex with you. Even if your syrupy bribe works, it doesn't mean the edible fun has to end. The A.V. Club recently discovered a bizarro pseudo-culinary market at the corner of "carnal" and "confection."
Clone-A-Willy and Clone-A-Pussy chocolate molding kits ($24.95)
Are candy hearts with the words "Be Mine" stamped on them too ambiguous? Show that fuckable someone you mean business with a chocolate replica of your genitals. Easy-to-follow, four-step directions will have you serving notice of your intentions as fast as you can say "molding tube." Those with allergies best be careful—the website warns that the chocolate may contain traces of nuts.
Fizz Lubricant ($8.99)
Fizz is a soda-flavored lubricant that not only "fizzes and tingles," but also comes in six different flavors, packaged in soda-bottle-shaped containers. At first blush, it's attractive in a "soda's always pretty good, so why not?" kind of way, but then again, some things should never, ever taste like root beer.
Edible Bra ($3.50)
With no description beyond the product name, the Edible Bra suggests many questions: Does one size fit all? What's it made of? Does anyone truly desire to consume their significant other's undergarments? Nonetheless, if you're looking for one of these units in the first place, those answers probably don't matter. Available in cherry and strawberry-champagne.
Wicked Wax edible massage oil candle ($12.98)
Remember the last time you were giving someone a massage, you ran out of massage oil, and you wound up gazing longingly at the candle next to the bed, wishing you could drip the wax on said massagee's back and then eat it off? Well, now you can. This multi-purpose product promises to bridge the annoying gaps between wax, oil, and deliciousness.
Love Potion No. 9 ($10.25)
Supposedly a few sneaky drops of this elixir in your partner's drink will get his or her "fires of passion aroused," and instill "sustained endurance and stimulation for romantic encounters." The fine print warns that Love Potion's primary ingredient, kava kava root, has the potential to cause severe liver problems. But who among us hasn't endangered that vital organ in the name of sex?
Sex Spice ($8.99)
Sex Spice arrives in a plastic spice shaker that would be right at home on the rack next to the sesame seeds. Suggested uses include sprinkling some on your body, lover, or sheets. Also excellent for Julia Child or Paul Prudhomme role-playing.
Fantasy Foam ($7.77)
Few phrases in the English language can flip a stomach like "frothy discharge," but that's exactly what you're getting when you lather up your lover with the consumable mess known as Fantasy Foam. Even if it ends up being more sloppy than fun, sextoyarea.com will still give you 15 free minutes of pay-per-minute online adult videos with the purchase.
Kandie Kondoms ($4.99)
While condoms are available in pretty much every shape, size, and color, their purpose always remains the same: to provide a (hopefully) impenetrable to-and-fro barrier. Kandie Kondoms take the exact opposite approach, and are specifically designed to disappear in your mouth. Or wherever. They're a bit pricey at $5 a pop, so if you're on a budget, Fruit Roll-Ups are probably just as wise a choice.
Oral Sex Head candy ($9.95)
Oral Sex Head candy is shaped exactly like a football mouth guard, and operates on the same general principles, with one key difference—it's meant to provide protection from teeth instead of for them. This wonder product also promises to help reduce jaw fatigue and prevent dry-mouth. The tradeoff? You'll be sporting the steamy look of a sixth-grader in orthodontic headgear.
Tit Tax ($2)
If you're a douchebag, there are innumerable ways to announce your douchebaggery to those around you. But you'd have to search a very long time to find a clearer signal than carrying a box of breast-shaped mints in your pocket.
Lick Me Licker ($16.99)
My Beloved's Garden is a website that promises to "provide a safe, non-pornographic place to shop for all your Christian sex toys and romance needs while keeping Jesus at the center of your marriage." Fair enough. Still, you may want to consider the Second Coming, and whether He'll want to beam you up for eternity after learning so much about the flavored gels you lap off each other's genitals.