In what is the second most convincing scientific study you will read today, Sharknado star and person who sometimes wears glasses Tara Reid has presented her findings on the plausibility of sharknados—the large storm system that traps live sharks in high-velocity winds, distributing them to wreak havoc on coastal cities. You may recall that, last year, Reid established her marine biology credentials with a Discovery Channel special, in which she revealed that close observations of the Internet had proved conclusively that a whale shark isn’t created by a whale and a shark having sex, a theory that is still taught in classrooms today. “Whales are mammals and sharks are animals, so they have nothing to do with each other,” Reid said in her concluding statement, and that was good enough for us and for the Discovery Channel circa 2013.
Reid’s latest sharkpothesis was published in Gentleman’s Quarterly, the scientific journal dedicated to the close study of gentlemen with too much fucking money. And gentlemen, here is your quarterly reminder that no luxury brand watch or perfectly folded pocket square will protect you from a sharknado, which Tara Reid warns you could happen.
You know, it actually can happen. I mean, the chances of it happening are very rare, but it can happen actually. Which is crazy. Not that it—the chances of it are, like, you know, it’s like probably ‘pigs could fly.’ Like, I don’t think pigs could fly, but actually sharks could be stuck in tornados. There could be a sharknado.
Indeed, the chances of a sharknado are rare—as rare as pigs flying, even though some might argue that pigs could also be stuck in a tornado. However, this is not a discussion of pignados, a dangerous pseudo-science to which Tara Reid doesn’t subscribe, but rather sharknados, the chances for which are not so rare that they can be ruled out entirely. Waterspouts have picked up small fish before, after all, and what is a shark but a small fish that is also not a fish but an animal and much bigger?
Sure, some tree-hugger outlets like Mother Jones will bring in their “expert” shark-itists to tell you that a shark, let alone multiple sharks, would prove too heavy to be lifted by a tornado, and that any tornado with the wind speed to do so would kill the shark immediately—likely scattering its remains in a way that would prove annoying, but not necessarily deadly to our nation’s ’90s stars. But this disinformation campaign is all part of the liberal media’s attempt to stop you from taking up your guns and preemptively shooting those damn sharks and tornadoes, just to be safe. Which is crazy.