Taste Test: Big-boob jellies and breast-enhancement cookies

Taste Test: Big-boob jellies and breast-enhancement cookies

Due to popular demand and the fact that we love trying weird foods and candies, The A.V. Club will now regularly feature "Taste Tests." Feel free to suggest disgusting and/or delicious new edibles for future installments: E-mail us at tastetest@theonion.com.

F-Cup Breast-Enhancement Cookies and Oppai Jelly

This month in Taste Test, we set our sights on the Far East, specifically our friends in Japan. While on vacation there this month, I bought only a shirt for me, but came back with five shopping bags of stuff for Taste Test. We'll save the numerous varieties of Pringles, seven flavors of Kit-Kat, and fried eel spines for another day. Today, it's all about tits!

Holy crap, if you think Americans are obsessed with body image, take a stroll down Tokyo Way sometime. At a pharmacy offering, among other things, finger-slimming cream, we stumbled upon F-Cup brand natural breast-enhancement cookies, part of a line of F-Cup products that includes tea and cake. Bra sizing isn't universal, and the Japanese F-cup is apparently the equivalent of DD in the U.S. The F-Cup site also offers many, many other breast-enhancement products, including, Pink Nipple Lightening Cream, Bikini Area Whitening Cream, and a host of other varieties of snake oil.

Back to the cookies: Each individually wrapped cookie contains 50 milligrams of something called Pueraria Mirifica, a "natural plant estrogen usually found in vegetables" that can give you "larger, fuller, firmer breasts," "healthier menstruation," and "increased vaginal secretion," among other things. What more could you ask, besides pinker nipples? Well, hold your horses, because the site comes with a pretty massive warning label:

Do not consume during pregnancy, breastfeeding, menstruation, or if you have been diagnosed with medical conditions of the ovaries, uterus, or breast. May cause loose bowels if taken in excess. Not for women under 21 years of age. Does not promote weight loss.

That's really the tradeoff, isn't it? Big boobs, or solid stool?

But what if you don't have breasts, but have secretly longed to devour a set? Check out Oppai ("Big Boobs") Jelly, a gelatin treat molded in the shape of breasts, including a maraschino-cherry-like center for nipples. They come in a colorful, innocuous-looking box that opens up to reveal a giant-eyed vixen with the jelly where her boobs would be.

Taste: Peculiar. The cookies come in two flavors: Soy Milk (plain) and Pralines And Chocolate; we tried Soy Milk, and they were generally popular with tasters of both genders. They're designed to be paired with a lot of water—to fill you up and increase your breast size—so they're dry by design. But in general, it was a modest shortbread cookie—kind of hard to screw up, even if you're loading it with sketchy "natural" enhancement ingredients.

The Oppai Jelly had the consistency of warm Jell-O, with a vague flavor that hovered somewhere around citrus and/or strawberry. It was pretty mild, but the consistency was a big turnoff for some of the tasters.

Office reactions:

F-Cup Cookies

— "Butter cookie by way of dog biscuit."

— "Mmm, plant estrogen. These are actually pretty good."

— "Basically mild, dry shortbread cookies, not too sweet, and kind of pleasantly crumbly. If I wanted bigger boobs and was terribly constipated, it wouldn't be a chore to eat one or two of these a day."

— "It's the outside of a Fig Newton."

— "I can see them growing!"

— "So this is the cookie for constipated, small-breasted women?" "It's a niche market."

— "I put F-Cup cookies next to mint M&Ms; as the tastiest thing we've done."

— [Later.] "Boob cookie status report: Mouth is a little dry, boobs remain unchanged."

— "The F-Cup cookies weren't tasty enough to make me not worry about them. I felt like Anthony Michael Hall in Sixteen Candles when that girl feeds him birth-control pills. 'Do you know what these can do to a guy?' Also, if you read the box, it reads like 'Fuck-up cookies.'"

— "Loose stool is a small price to pay for tasty, flaky cookies—and possibly, one day, perky breasts. It was nice to Taste Test something that actually tasted good."

— "Cookies were like soft biscuits. Not very sweet but not unpleasant either. Kind of what I imagine lembas bread tastes like. [From Lord Of The Rings.]"

— "I don't think my mom would like it if she found a box of these on my nightstand. She'd probably think I was rubbing them on my junk."

Oppai Jelly:

— "It's not bad. It's like tapioca Jell-O like you get at the bottom of a tapioca freeze."

— "It's like hospital Jell-O."

— "Eating it is fine; listening to you talk about it is going to make me throw up."

— "There should be milk inside."

— "The texture just made me absolutely gag. I had to leave the room."

— "It's surprisingly not terrible."

— "The nipple was a little harder than the rest of the boob, and way less slimy. But overall, not gross, and not good. It's a little weird that horse hooves have been made into boob shapes, though."

— "I don't feel good, but I can't tell if it's the boob or the boob cookie."

— "I think Jell-O is profoundly disgusting, but I kind of liked these. Mildly fruity, soft, and sweet. Now we know what to feed Russ Meyer when he runs out of teeth."

— "They're runny and watery, but have a sweet fruit-like taste. I swear I've tasted this jelly somewhere else before."

Where to get them: The F-Cup cookies are available in pharmacies and stores around Japan. The Oppai Jelly is pretty common in similar places and Don Quijote stores. Finding either Stateside will be tough, but it looks like it's pretty easy to ship the F-Cup cookies here. You can also find them at EdibleUnique.com.

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