Here’s what’s up in the world of TV for Thursday, February 14, 2013. All times are Eastern.
Zero Hour (ABC, 8 p.m.): As foretold in centuries-old texts and initiated by the tireless efforts of a clandestine society, Zero Hour is upon us. And while NBC halting Do No Harm before it could do all the harm was a valiant effort, the truth can no longer be hidden: Soon, the network dial will be overrun with genre hokum and supernatural bullshit (tune in for The CW’s Cult next Tuesday at 9!). Not the kind you’ll sincerely appreciate, but the kind you’ll watch with morbid curiosity and a desire to fashion into a catchy hashtag joke. Todd VanDerWerff has time to gape—must be the season of The Cape. (#TheCape)
The Big Bang Theory (CBS, 8 p.m.): Of course, all that sinister portent manages to wash over the fact that it’s Valentine’s Day almost everywhere else on the dial. Oliver Sava brings The Big Bang Theory some flowers in an Erlenmeyer flask, because that’s what nerds like, right?
The Vampire Diaries (The CW, 8 p.m.): Vampires are the most romantic monsters, yet Vampire Diaries is all hung up on “the cure” tonight. Guess Carrie Raisler’s just going to have to eat this heart-shaped box of blood-filled chocolate all by herself.
Community (NBC, 8 p.m.): Community forgot it was Valentine’s Day—apparently something had the writers and producers convinced this supernaturally themed episode would air on October 26, 2012—so now it’s scrambling across town looking for the only greeting-card store that’s still open at this hour. They’ll have to beat Todd “Speedy” VanDerff to the last talking teddy bear, though.
Parks And Recreation (NBC, 8:30 p.m.): Ron Swanson becomes the latest City of Pawnee employee to go under Joan Callamezzo’s microscope. Steve Heisler doesn’t think the Gotcha Dancers stand a chance.
Person Of Interest (CBS, 9 p.m.): Reese and Finch finally get a room—or dozens of rooms, since they’re protecting a hotel maid from every guest staying at her place of employment. Phil Dyess-Nugent suggests checking Room 237 first, guys.
Glee (Fox, 9 p.m.): Further proof that Glee is made of an unknown, time-warping compound: Will and Emma are only just now getting married? Brandon Nowalk is starting to regret ordering the couple a year’s worth of steaks back when they got engaged. (Fearing freezer burn, he’s just been salting the meat this whole time!)
The Office (NBC, 9 p.m.): So this is probably the reconstituted pilot of The Farm, grafted onto an episode that finds several characters picking up and moving on with their lives. And, if not, Erik Adams promises to stop guessing that every other episode of The Office started off as the ill-fated pilot for a Dwight-centric sitcom.
Project Runway (Lifetime, 9 p.m.): TV Guide says “The teams are hit with a twist,” which fills our heads with images of designers working in the middle of a particularly violent dance party. Sonia Saraiya remembers when things were really humming.
Elementary (CBS, 10 p.m.): The chief suspect in Sherlock’s latest case is dead. And thus begins the Walking Dead/Elementary crossover Myles McNutt didn’t realize he wanted.
Archer (FX, 10 p.m.): Last year, Archer put aside his fear of robots for his once-dead, now-a-cyborg ex-fiancée—can he put aside his hatred of Barry Dylan for her as well? Todd VanDerWerff thinks there’s a double cross a-brewin’, but he’ll have to consult with Other Todd to confirm those suspicions.
Suits (USA, 10 p.m.): Characters are just poppin’ out of the suitswork during this half-season, with Harvey’s former flame Dana showing up to complicate things this week. At this point, Carrie Raisler thinks she might just end up playing a part in the ongoing drama with Hardman.
Legit (FX, 10:30 p.m.): The protagonists go to court to give their recollections of a break-in, which sounds like a good excuse for some wild, Rashomon-style unreliable narrating. Steve Heisler prepares to disbelieve.
TV CLUB CLASSIC
Star Trek: Deep Space Nine (11 a.m.): Organized labor is apparently a TV Club theme this week, and Rom jumps on board the fairly-run, minimum-wage-paying bandwagon when he unionizes Quark’s workforce. “Flatten ’em ’til you get that latinum” reads Zack Handlen’s picket sign.
WHAT ELSE IS ON?
Burning Love (Yahoo! Screen): The second season of this dating-show parody from the producers of Childrens Hospital and NTSF: SD: SUV:: is waiting in cyberspace, ready to give you its box this Valentine’s Day. And yes, you just correctly read the innuendo and non-innuendo in that scenario.
Freakshow (AMC, 9:30 p.m.): Part the first: AMC Original Series venture forth from their Sunday-night comfort zone, ending up in the decidedly stranger territory of a modern-day sideshow.
Big Rig Bounty Hunters (History, 10 p.m.): They’re big, they’re looking for missing rigs—they’re Big Rig Bounty Hunters. Somehow this isn’t an arcade game waiting to be played at your local dive bar.
Immortalized (AMC, 10 p.m.): Part the second: In a feat of single-review derring do, Molly Eicher will offer her thoughts on Freakshow and its reality-competition companion, a taxidermy-centric show that, in spite of the impression given by its ad campaign, isn’t about the adventures of a super cool fox and its best friend, a duck with a desk lamp for a head.
Gremlins (Encore, 8 p.m.): Joe Dante’s hellish little creations gnaw on the spirit of one winter holiday (after midnight, of course), so why shouldn’t they have their destructive way with Valentine’s Day as well?
Gone With The Wind (TCM, 8 p.m.): Get really, really romantic with the classic-cinema equivalent of tantric sex and all four hours of its epic Antebellum passion. (You could even skim over the racist bits by making out during those scenes!)
NBA Basketball: Heat at Thunder (TNT, 8 p.m.): The NBA matchup for the most affectionate night of the year is brought to you by America’s remaining quiet storm DJs. Now pull your loved one close, feel the Heat and make some Thunder, and prepare for some full-court pressing.
IN CASE YOU MISSED IT
Southland: Meanwhile, someone decries all the manufactured romance and greeting-card sentiments of the holiday while queueing up this season première on his or her DVR. Don’t worry, baby: Kevin McFarland’s review is here to comfort you.