Dedicated to exploring all that would appeal to the distinguished modern gentleman, GQ sent Drew Magary to seek an audience in the royal court of Duck Dynasty, and discuss affairs both practical—such as how a show about a bunch of backwoods duck hunters commands an audience of 14 million per week—and philosophical, like how homosexuals are basically the same as terrorists in God’s eyes, and the undesirability of the butthole.
And while one can never cogitate enough over the fact that Duck Dynasty, again, has 14 million people who tune in every single week to watch some "real folk" traipse around the Louisiana swamps, being baffled by and/or killing things, it’s likely that last part that will get all the attention—because like the show, its unabashed display of ignorance is just so colorful. For instance, there’s this quote from family patriarch and self-proclaimed “Bible-thumper” Phil Robertson, who has some thoughts on why homosexuals are crazy for going for the anus, when the vagina is sitting right there like a fat mallard waiting to be plugged:
It seems like, to me, a vagina—as a man—would be more desirable than a man’s anus. That’s just me. I’m just thinking: There’s more there! She’s got more to offer. I mean, come on, dudes! You know what I’m saying? But hey, sin: It’s not logical, my man. It’s just not logical.
Other demonstrations of Robertson’s unassailable logic include his mathematical mapping of sin itself, which begins with gays and expands logically and exponentially from there:
Start with homosexual behavior and just morph out from there. Bestiality, sleeping around with this woman and that woman and that woman and those men,” he says. Then he paraphrases Corinthians: “Don’t be deceived. Neither the adulterers, the idolaters, the male prostitutes, the homosexual offenders, the greedy, the drunkards, the slanderers, the swindlers—they won’t inherit the kingdom of God. Don’t deceive yourself. It’s not right.
Roberston also offers a more historical perspective on the world’s problems—which, again, can all be solved with a little Jesus:
All you have to do is look at any society where there is no Jesus. I’ll give you four: Nazis, no Jesus. Look at their record. Uh, Shintos? They started this thing in Pearl Harbor. Any Jesus among them? None. Communists? None. Islamists? Zero. That’s eighty years of ideologies that have popped up where no Jesus was allowed among those four groups. Just look at the records as far as murder goes among those four groups.
Of course, Robertson ignores the fact that the Crusades, the Spanish Inquisition, the Thirty Years’ War, and every other conflict waged by a primarily Christian nation puts Jesus’ own murder scorecard way up there. But hey, that’s what makes Duck Dynasty so darn entertaining to those 14 million people: their "real folk" way of proudly not knowing stuff.
And besides, it’s not like the guys from Duck Dynasty are judging anyone for being gay or a drunk or a terrorist, whichever kind of equivalent sinner you are. “We never, ever judge someone on who’s going to heaven, hell,” Robertson says, after having listed at least eight types of someones and even whole swaths of the world who are definitely going to hell. “That’s the Almighty’s job. We just love ’em, give ’em the good news about Jesus—whether they’re homosexuals, drunks, terrorists. We let God sort ’em out later, you see what I’m saying?” Indeed, people do see what they’re saying. Some 14 million of them, every week.
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