The Internet—the global system of interconnected networks that’s become an increasingly central means of commerce and communication capable of bringing far-flung civilizations together—reached its apex this week, after a man claiming to be the fiancé of My Little Pony: Friendship Is Magic character Twilight Sparkle contacted a user of online community DeviantArt to demand he stop drawing sexual pictures of his imaginary pony-bride. The request was made in a letter that was then published in full on the Internet, which no longer has any reason to exist, having achieved everything it has ever set out to do.
“I would really appreciate it if the next time your birthday comes around you would request that your clop artist friends (who like to give you sexually oriented pony art as gifts) draw some pony other than Twilight Sparkle for you,” one grown man typed to another, using the system developed through decades of work by British scientists and military contractors. Their dedication paid off in their descendants’ easy access to forums where other, similarly pioneering men could discuss their love for a cartoon pony show, even forging bold new identities as “bronies,” as well as explore virtual art galleries in which those ponies are drawn engaging in erotic acts—all without ever leaving their homes. This, after all, may have led to social situations where caring so intensely about cartoon ponies might have been discouraged.
Instead, the system was in place for a man to not only develop such feelings, but to have “actually found a wedding chapel that will let me marry someone that most people would consider a fictional character” but at least isn’t the same sex as him. The innovations of the Internet also enabled him to share that love—not only with the family and friends who will attend that wedding while staring with a vaguely pained expression into space, but with everyone in the digital world, so that they too may know its very detailed depths:
In addition to allowing this man to not only affirm his commitment to abstaining from all the sexual partners he would instead very much be enjoying, the Internet also allowed him to pledge his fealty by defending his pony-bride’s honor, reaching out to the DeviantArt user “Kevinsano” and demanding he stop drawing her in degrading sexual situations. Indeed, without the Internet, both men would have enjoyed their private fantasies about having sex with the same cartoon pony, and the imaginary cuckolding would made them both to look like pathetic fools. Instead, this one man was able to stand up and say what was in his heart, declaring that he doesn't wanting to see the pretend pony he’s going to marry have her face covered in ejaculate, and state this very clearly in front of everyone, everywhere. Thanks to the Internet.
And thus, having used the Internet to its absolute fullest potential, there is inarguably nowhere left for it to go. We must shut it down. It’s presumed that within the week the entire infrastructure will be dismantled—triumphantly retired like the space shuttle, its most historic parts sent to museums, its remaining hardware scrapped and salvaged. And then the world will begin work on the newer, bolder mode of communication that will allow the people of the future to argue about the cartoons they like to imagine fucking.
Sleep well, Internet. You’ve earned it.
Send your Newswire tips to firstname.lastname@example.org