A.V. Club Most Read

News Newswire Great Job, Internet!
TV Club All Reviews What's On Tonight
Video All Video A.V. Undercover A.V. Cocktail Club Film Club
Reviews All Reviews Film TV Music Books
Features All Features Great Job, Internet! Newswire
Sections Film Tv Music Food Comedy Books Games Aux
Our Company About Us Contact Advertise Privacy Policy Careers RSS
Onion Inc. Sites The Onion The A.V. Club ClickHole Onion Studios
Get The Latest

The latest ridiculous Twilight product? A sparkly dildo.

Because the world just didn't have enough hilarious attempts to cash in on the Twilight phenomenon yet, a California sex-toy company has taken the obvious next step by introducing, yes seriously, a Twilight-themed dildo. "The Vamp" is a realistic-looking silicone cock, but "with a deathly pale flesh tone reminiscent of the new moon's glow." (That oh-so-subtle attempt to evoke Twilight without using the world "Twilight" continues through the product copy, in increasingly pointless ways: "Don't let this eclipse pass into the breaking dawn, place your order today.") And yes, of course it does have that authentic Twi-vamp touch: It sparkles in sunlight.

Never mind that the whole point of the books is the girl not fucking the vampire for hundreds upon hundreds of angsty pages. Tantus Inc. (motto, available on a T-shirt: "Make dildos, not war!") knows what Twilight readers really want: To skip to the series climax (so to speak) and get it on with something sparkly and rigid that doesn't have a pulse. The order page even notes that "The Vamp retains hot and cold temperature. Toss it in the fridge for that authentic experience." Unfortunately, the "authentic experience" would actually include a lot of glowering, threats of murder, and offhanded put-downs of the user.

Maybe the next one can come with a voice-chip that plays pre-recorded discouraging messages like "You're just like food to me, you stupid lamb" and "You're so clumsy and useless, it's a wonder you can even get this thing where it's supposed to go." First, though, Tantus should put out a fur-covered dildo for Team Jacob fans. Because no Twilight pandering is too much Twilight pandering.

Incidentally, we found this via Videogum, where the appalled commentary is downright hilarious: "For people who want to fuck teenagers with frozen dicks who can fly."

Submit your Newswire tips here.