Liberated from all boring, burdensome ties to relevance after being officially fired by CBS, Charlie Sheen’s creation “Charlie Sheen” has at least achieved full-blown autonomy, a free-floating “media tsunami” (to use Sheen’s words) that exists only to continue gusting out windy screeds and drenching us with quotes on a near-hourly basis. But judging by some of today’s happenings, that storm may actually break soon: There’s been an unmistakable note of finality in Sheen’s latest frenzied go-’round, suggesting this mad roman candle may burn himself out sooner than later, or maybe just shut up for a while as his lawyers prepare their offense. So maybe savor this stuff while you still can.
After all, it’s about to become a dry and boring legal matter, as Sheen’s attorney Matt Singer has officially begun mounting his case, avowing that he believes Sheen’s firing came as result of Two And A Half Men creator Chuck Lorre “conspiring with Warner Bros.,” and that it was really “about the hostility between Chuck and Charlie that has gone on for years.” Among Singer’s more tenuous claims: That “Chuck Lorre has a better deal and stands to make more on his other shows [The Big Bang Theory and Mike & Molly] than on Two And A Half Men, so he has an interest in making those shows flourish at the expense of my client’s show”—which is certainly an interesting theory, that Lorre would deliberately destroy his most successful and profitable show like that, just to have more time to concentrate on fine-tuning the fat jokes of Mike & Molly. Not that we’re experts, but we wouldn’t necessarily lead with that should the case “go before a judge and jury,” as Singer is hoping. Especially seeing as CBS and Warner Bros. plan to base their defense on more tangible things, such as “a 10-page list of links to news articles chronicling Sheen’s behavior, some of which will likely become exhibits.” (Should someone at CBS need a handy digest, we refer you to the last two weeks of Newswire.)
In the meantime, of course, Sheen continues to add to that exhibit by badmouthing pretty much everyone involved with the show through every available venue—most notably the latest and final episode of his Internet chat-fest, Sheen’s Korner (transcribed here by RadarOnline), which Sheen concluded last night by saying it was “now for sale as a sports bar,” which either confirms it was his final broadcast, or suggests he’s planning on turning the show into a latter-day version of Archie Bunker’s Place. If it turns out to be his valediction, he certainly made the bridge-annihilating most of it, calling his firing “unconscionable” and “completely and entirely illegal”—adding, “And to quote my lawyer really shitty, shitty, suck suck”—deeming himself “the Malibu Messiah, the Condor of Calabasas, the fucking warlock of the jealous face that is before you,” and then spouting off some patented wild free-verse like, “Undigested hummus trading real estate for this fire dance,” and, “I beg you all to stay glued for this raving, wise, Gibson-shredding napalm poet before you. Alone and unshackled as the desperate cries of the soon-forgotten echo freely in my lair.” [Provide your own bongo solo here.]
Sheen then rattled off a list of names of people who “once begged to attend my perfect banquet in the nude, now they just beg for the keys to my gold,” including: CBS president Les Moonves, about whom he riffed, “Less than Goonves. Part scoundrel, part my hair to the side. ‘Screw Les,’ I proclaimed, or better yet, screw more… In-vitro aside, all shiny pool boys rejoice and line block around your house. Sizzle, losing, bye.” (Allen Ginsberg—so jealous.) Warner Bros. TV Group president Bruce Rosenblum, whom Sheen satirically nicknamed “Bruce ‘Daisy-And-Wilt,” and whom Sheen warned to “Grab ankles and accept your fate” while mocking him for being short, weak, wearing “thick glasses,” and then decimated with this proposed epitaph: “Never seen by a goddess, only owned by a bully like a bitch.” Should Rosenblum be considering adding that to his tombstone, we suggest a nice, classic calligraphy font.
Naturally, Sheen reserved his harshest vitriol for Lorre, the full transcript of which we’ve reproduced below in all its guy-who-obviously-listens-to-a-lot-of-goth-music-making-everyone-uncomfortable-at-the-coffeehouse-slam-poetry-night glory:
Hiya, Chuck-E-Cheeseball. Where ya hiding, silly clown? Behind your narcissism, your greed, your hatred of yourself or women? Which personality are you cowering beneath for transparent cover? I see you, you little worm. I see you behind your plastic smile, your bitchy pout and your desperate need to be liked. Forget love—that ship sailed when you were born. To use one of your stupid and unfunny jokes. Good luck with those tin cans, shit-brain. And the mush-mouth of some pathetic carcass you so arrogantly attempted to trade out for this warlock.
Think of me often, loser, during your most quiet moments. All alone in the world, staring into the mirror—your least favorite activity. Think of me as you pray to the silly god of AA. While begging refuge from the contaminated image of hatred and dismay that so painfully glares back.
Can you smell your soul? Can you smell the rotting dog shit? The fermented puke that is your viscera? Can you smell the lies? Can you smell the carnage you created? Can you smell the impostor living within? Can you smell your mother's tears from some distant memory, as she scattered her pathetic creation, asking all around her why this feeble abortion survived? Can you smell it, Chuck? It smells like malaria, in case you were wondering. If sad and stupid had a smell, it would be you: FUCK BORRE.
You gotta hate that your stage name rhymes with suck. Personally, I find it perfect. Suck and muck.You picked a fight with a warlock, you little worm. Remember this after that first drink back. The drink you know you want. The drink you can't avoid any longer. How does it taste? How does it feel? Are you whole again, at peace, in love, at peace, in love? You are no match for this warlock . My power will consume you every losing day, ugly whore.
Let's do a scene, maggot. I speak first—duh!
ME: Are you an assailant?
Fuck Borre: I'm a showrunner.
ME: You're neither. You're an ugly clown sent by corporate fools to collect your fill.
Chew heartily, loser. Shortly from now, you'll have nothing left. Nothing. How does last night's 2.8 in the demo feel? Ouch! How about last night's 2.6 to follow? Should have gone up, instead it went down. Like you, on some $4 trollop. Sizzle, losing, bye.”
And for the sake of completion, here's the full video of last night's Sheen's Korner:
Having duly finished with all the "suits," for the first time Sheen went after former co-star Jon Cryer for not publicly supporting him, telling E! Online yesterday, “He's a turncoat, a traitor, a troll... Is it gonna take me calling him a 'traitor, juvenile and scared' for him to get it?"—all because he claimed Cryer hadn’t sent him so much as a text message through all this. Although, even if Cryer were to reach out to him, Sheen said, “I'll tell him 'You're a little late. Goodbye, troll.' When I'm starring in multimillion-dollar films and he's begging me for a supporting role, I'll say, 'You left me out in the cold with all of your guilt and stupidity.'"
Perhaps sensing he may have dovetailed into hyperbole just this once, Sheen backed off somewhat during an interview with Southern California radio station K-EARTH this morning, saying that he was “in a mood” when he made those statements, and offering “a half apology—it's an apol.” But when questioned in the same interview about CBS’ rumored video reel of Sheen flubbing his lines (thus proving his performance had been affected by his outside behavior), Sheen took Cryer to task all over again, declaring, “Poppycock! I claim poppycock,” and added, “If that's the case, they should review the gag reel at the end of any reel. It’s not the gag reel, it's ‘The Jon Reel.’”
Fortunately, Sheen had nothing but nice words about fellow co-star Marin Hinkle and half-man Angus T. Jones, whom Sheen called “a beautiful young man,” so hopefully both of them will continue to avoid Sheen’s “moods.” Elsewhere, his co-star Holland Taylor came to Sheen’s defense, calling him “cordial and polite…sometimes even courtly,” avowing her “abiding affection for him,” and fondly recalling, “We watched movies at his house occasionally—warm evenings with interesting, spirited conversation,” which is certainly the most genteel description we've ever heard of a meth-fueled porn marathon. (Of course, that's just our own speculation, based entirely on the parameters of a cheap joke.)
Sheen also has a somewhat-unlikely defender in fellow former controversial TV star and professional nut farmer Roseanne, who took to her blog (excerpted by Movieline) to offer her diagnosis of Sheen—saying he’s not on drugs, but experiencing a “manic high”—while also commiserating as someone who’d also been forced to work with Chuck Lorre when the latter was just a “big drunk” writing for her self-titled ABC series. “Those shit Chuck Lorre lines could choke a fucking horse and render any actor who recites them stone cold soul dead,” Roseanne wrote, adding, “No grown man could really look himself in the mirror knowing that he delivers shit jokes and adolescent sniggering over breasts and women’s body parts lines to the Tea Partier types who are big fans of Chuck’s hilarious hijinx.” Of course, although she empathizes with Sheen, Roseanne also thinks he needs to “take a break, dude” while admonishing, “Anybody can do your job, really. Other guys are funny and not repulsive to intelligent women.” So we guess that's not really defending, per se.
And naturally, there have been plenty of names suggested already to play the part of Funny Guy Who Is Not Repulsive To Intelligent Women should the show continue, and John Stamos remains chief among them. And while Sheen declared last week that Men would “suck” with Stamos on the show, he’s since backtracked on that as well, saying in a radio interview today that he “was rude to him earlier and that was unnecessary,” and that he thinks Stamos is “fabulous.” Still, if Sheen had his pick of who could replace him, he fully endorses Rob Lowe, saying: “I've been talking to Rob. He's a buddy of mine. He's a beautiful man. He's a brilliant actor. And I hope that he does it and kicks its ass because I still get pizz-aid.” Of course, Lowe is currently busy getting pizz-aid being a regular on Parks And Recreation, but TMZ nevertheless reports that Lorre is currently holding discussions with him—much like E!’s Marc Malkin claims that there is talk “at the highest levels” about bringing in Stamos.
Speaking of talking at the highest level, Sheen remains adamant that Major League 3 is in the offing, never mind that Morgan Creek president James G. Robinson still doesn’t think he can deal with Sheen right now, and it seems likely that the insurance on such a project would put the film over budget well before the first take. Bulldozing through such minor stumbling blocks, Sheen has already begun the crucial job of casting the non-existent film he is not directing—specifically, replacing the jailed Wesley Snipes with his lifelong friend Tony Todd in the role of Willie Mays Hayes. Sheen says Todd (who is not to be confused with Candyman actor Tony Todd, sorry) is “perfect for the role because he's going to have more personality than anybody that's ever lived—except me,” and adds that he even has the bonus of a few acting credits, such as his well-received role as “Policeman At Truman’s House” in The Truman Show. Not surprisingly, Morgan Creek has already issued a statement saying there is “no truth to this at all,” and reaffirming that there has been no movement on Major League 3. Which is such a troll thing to say.
Should Charlie Sheen somehow fail to assemble his own Major League 3 using his buddies, home videos of himself throwing baseballs in his backyard, and random clips from Apocalypse Now, Roseanne actually had another suggestion: “Maybe Charlie can start producing porn movies now!” And as it turns out, several adult film companies have had the same idea, with RadarOnline reporting that representatives from Brazzers (the "Best HD Porn Site For Pornstars With Big Tits & MILF Movies, according to their website) visited Sheen at his home today to make “an offer involving reality television,” while TMZ near-simultaneously reprinted a letter from Vivid Entertainment president Steven Hirsch asking Sheen to consider directing the upcoming porn parody Two And A Half Women, which would star three of Sheen’s ex-lovers. Sheen would reportedly have complete creative control (“scenarios, positions, etc.”) of the latter, meaning he could ostensibly insert a Chuck Lorre caricature and stage any sort of graphic, double-penetration revenge he can think of should he accept.
Whatever path he chooses, he’ll definitely have some help: After Sheen put out a call for a “#winning INTERN with #TigerBlood” on Monday, Internships.com reported a “historic day in social recruiting,” with more than 74,000 people applying to “manage the logistics around his social media efforts”—which we guess means figuring out where to insert the random ellipses that have become the Sheen-tweet trademark. Sheen has yet to choose his intern, meaning it could still be you, if that’s something you did.
And if it is, you may well become the last link between Sheen and the outside world, as last night's closing broadcast of Sheen’s Korner was followed today by what Sheen proclaimed may turn out to be his final interview on The Dan Patrick Show. Noting the “symbolic” importance of appearing on the show where, a mere three weeks ago—when we were all so much younger—he first launched his newfound career as a self-aware meme, Sheen said, “This is where it began and where it all ends,” declaring that he may finally be going into radio silence, because he’s become exhausted with the way the media has portrayed him. “All they do is glad-hand me to get into my home, and then they vilify me in their narrative speak,” Sheen said while snorting coke off a dead baby—hey, he's right! He then asked, “I mean, do they teach this stuff in broadcasting school—to have this oozing, judgmental tone when they describe you in their horrible, troll-like voiceovers?” He also lamented that the media “acts concerned, but their behavior is completely the opposite,” saying, “At the end of the day, it’s all about ratings. It’s about commerce." Well, now we feel a little guilty.
Should Sheen disappear, even for a little while, he’ll retire knowing that he set one last record: that of the most-discussed person online so far this year, easily beating out such stalwart topics such as Lady Gaga, President Obama, Sarah Palin, and even the iPad to dominate all Internet and social media discussions in 2011. Yes. Yes, I think we all know that.