The near-hourly trumpeting of Charlie Sheen-related news has already fizzled into a constant dull roar, and while we’ve been purposefully avoiding further commentary out of sheer fatigue, we suppose we can’t really ignore popular demand any longer. So okay, fine. Here’s what’s happening in Sheen right now.
When Sheen launched his Twitter account and began adding followers at an alarmingly exponential rate, it seemed obvious that he was well on his way to becoming one of the site’s most popular users. However, it’s likely no one predicted he would soon be a Guinness World Record holder for "Fastest Time To Reach 1 Million Followers," because it’s unlikely they were aware that category even existed. We’re not even sure who used to hold that honor (Kanye West, maybe?), but whoever they are, they’ve now been eclipsed by Sheen, who also still holds the world record for Highest Paid TV Actor Per Episode—Current." Though obviously that seems due for an update, in light of recent events.
Anyway, it definitely bodes well for Sheen’s plan to “tweet for cash,” as he recently told TMZ that he plans to use his Twitter account for advertising and to score endorsement money like Kim Kardashian, who gets paid up to $10,000 every time she plugs something. Sheen unintentionally entered the game with his very first tweet, a photo of him holding up a bottle of Broguiere's Dairy chocolate milk that resulted in the farm being “inundated with phone calls” after it went up. While Sheen won’t collect any money from that, the dairy’s owner did promise him free chocolate milk any time he wants to stop by, which is good because he doesn't do crack anymore.
According to a rumor floating around the Internet, Sheen may be asked to bring some of that same cachet to The Hangover II, as Badass Digest reports that it hears from a "trusted source" that director Todd Phillips is supposedly interested in bringing Sheen in to do one of the film series' now-customary "controversial celebrity" cameos. Make of that what you will—the film is wrapped, and there's been no official comment from Phillips, although it's not implausible that they could shoot a quickie scene and insert it after the fact, or that Phillips would deny it even if they did.
Should Sheen be looking for other ways to make some quick cash in the meantime, maybe he could consider releasing another pressing of his self-published, early-’90s poetry book, A Peace Of My Mind (note clever wordplay), which was only ever distributed among his close friends. Sheen gave a copy to GQ reporter Amy Wallace, and now that blogs can get thousand of hits for any article with the words “Charlie Sheen” in the headline, the GQ Tumblr has begun posting excerpts. Like this one:
By Charlie Sheen
"Excuse me, aren't you...?"
"Hey, you look just like..."
"Oh my God, that's..."
"Sorry to interrupt your dinner, but aren't you..."
"Look, I never do this, but, my wife thinks you're..."
"My friend is so convinced that you're..."
"I'm so embarrassed, but, aren't you...?"
"I know you must be tired of this, but..."
All eyes held in stare, all mouths locked open in shock, as he pulled the latex Charlie Sheen mask from his head, revealing the rotted skull of President Lincoln.
Unfortunately, one group is not so impressed with Sheen’s gift for creating radical magic and poetry every time he opens his mouth: TMZ reports that a practicing warlock from the Coven of the Raven Moon in Salem, Massachusetts is “fuming” over Sheen’s use of the phrase “Vatican assassin warlock,” because it is a “blatant offense against our ways.” But instead of suing Sheen, like a lot of people seem to want to do, the warlock says he is “going to magically bind Mr. Sheen, not to harm him, but to simply prevent him from using this word in such a negative manner in the future.” This is the warlock in question. [photo via Scott Lanes.com]
So ha ha, silly Sheen news. Of course, not everything about Sheen’s story is giggles and goddesses right now: Yesterday it was reported that police had removed Sheen’s kids from his home because their mother, Sheen’s ex-wife Brooke Mueller, obtained a restraining order against him after Sheen allegedly made a threatening phone call to her saying, “I will cut your head off, put it in a box and send it to your mom!” Mueller later sent TMZ a photo of a text message she’d received in which Sheen allegedly made a less nuanced anti-Semitic statement about his manager Mark Burg, saying, “I must execute Mark B like the stoopid Jew pig that he is.” Of course, Sheen has denied ever sending the message, saying that he had “busted” Mueller last year sending text messages from his phone “to cause discord,” adding that his current girlfriends could testify that they had seen her doing so. And Burg himself has also responded to her accusation, pointing out that all of Sheen’s business team is Jewish, that his ex-wife is Jewish (which “would make Charlie Sheen's two sons also Jewish”), and that he doesn’t believe Sheen sent that text.
Mueller's charge of anti-Semitic remarks came with another, more familiar Sheen accusation—that of unrestrained threats of violence. In her request for a restraining order, Mueller has also alleged that Sheen demanded that she give him back his monthly $20,000 child support payments because he needed “untraceable cash to knock off a few people, because the people I hate violently are going to get severely punished." She further claims that Sheen spit on her feet and punched her, as well as told her that he “should have killed you when I had the chance!” Furthermore, during their recent trip to the Bahamas, Mueller claims that Sheen regaled random people on the airplane with stories about he “hated his ex-wife, Denise Richards, violently, and he was going to have her hair shaved off.” (On a less troubling note, he also supposedly spent some time during that vacation blurting out, “I'm untouchable! I'm Charlie Sheen! I'm more famous than Obama!”) Sheen has responded by telling the press that Mueller is doing drugs, causing Mueller to ask a judge to hold him in contempt of court, stemming from a clause in their divorce settlement in which Sheen agreed to “not disclose to any media sources personal information relating to Brooke's alleged drug usage."
Anyway, all of this seems to be moot now, as Sheen has just addressed his row with Mueller on Twitter, saying, “not sure what all the legal noise is about... just verbally reached a deal with B. no court mon. yay....” So yay. In the meantime, perhaps sensing that he needs to reinvigorate the public’s fascination with another catchphrase quick, he’s unveiled his “next fastball” of a motto: “PLAN BETTER Applies to everything where an excuse now sits. Try it. U won't be wrong. Ever.” We’d certainly like to get a look at Charlie Sheen’s blueprints.