Here’s what’s up in the world of TV for Wednesday, February 13. All times are Eastern.
Southland (TNT, 10 p.m.): Having decided your Wednesday nights weren’t crowded enough yet, apparently, TNT has decided to bring one of TV’s best cop shows back for another season of you probably ignoring it because there’s so damn much else on. (Hey, it could be worse; last season, it aired against Justified.) So if you’re not already watching The Americans or the Comedy Central duo or Nashville or Top Chef or, uh, Chicago Fire, we guess, then consider giving this one a shot. Kevin McFarland will thank you for the pageviews.
Arrow (The CW, 8 p.m.): We’re writing this on a plane and have no access to our usual TV Guide source for plot information, because apparently United doesn’t have inflight wifi from Houston to Los Angeles. The point is: None of these jokes will make sense. Alasdair Wilkins thinks that’s usually the case.
The Middle (ABC, 8 p.m.): Well, we saw enough to know that this episode is called “Valentine’s Day IV,” which is probably the episode where Valentine’s Day manages to make it feel good to be an American again by defeating a Russian love-themed holiday in hand-to-hand combat. Will Harris weeps for joy.
Survivor (CBS, 8 p.m.): This is back, too, and we’re assuming it will be “better than ever,” as the kids say. This is another season of “Fans vs. Favorites,” so all of the people who make a living being on Survivor will be hauled out. Carrie Raisler makes a living reviewing Survivor, so she should get to be on this show.
Modern Family (ABC, 9 p.m.): After his excellent piece on the use of the mockumentary form in sitcoms, we thought it only natural that Myles McNutt fill in for Donna Bowman on this week’s episode. We don’t know what will happen; we presume there will be wacky jackanapes aplenty! Oh, that Modern Family!
Supernatural (The CW, 9 p.m.): You know who Sam and Dean should investigate? The mustachioed man who just put his seat back right into our knees. We are tall, reader. Tall. There is no room for us to write here. Who does this motherfucker think he is? Phil Dyess-Nugent shakes his head in disgust.
Suburgatory (ABC, 9:30 p.m.): No, seriously. We would never do that to someone. And we wouldn’t mind reclining every once in a while! But they pack you into these things like sardines, and then you’re just going to put your seat back? That’s a dick move, mustache man. Brandon Nowalk nods heartily.
The Americans (FX, 10 p.m.): Okay, we can make an on-point reference here because we’ve seen the episode. But there will be spy hijinks aplenty, while also some stuff about a marriage falling apart. So, really, just like all of that fan fiction Todd VanDerWerff and Genevieve Koski wrote about Hart To Hart.
Nashville (ABC, 10 p.m.): He sat up and he looked at us, then he just turned around and went back to flopping around and trying to get his seat farther back. We’re right here, you dumb bastard. If you think we’re typing about you, it’s because we are. Todd VanDerWerff wants to ride on Juliette’s private plane.
Top Chef (Bravo, 10 p.m.): And now the cart just came through and forced us to shrink up even smaller in our seat, like we were Padma Lakshmi or something, when we are clearly Colicchio-sized. Emily Withrow knows that food isn’t gonna have any high-quality shit on it. We’ll be lucky to be peanuts.
Workaholics (Comedy Central, 10 p.m.): We are such workaholics that we continue to type this, even though we can’t see the screen all that well because we have had to close our laptop most of the way to accommodate this dumb motherfucker. Kevin McFarland thinks we’ve run this one into the ground.
Kroll Show (Comedy Central, 10:30 p.m.): T`his week, Nick Kroll will make fun of some TV shows, and then he’ll make some funny voices, and David Sims will… WHAT ARE YOU DOING? WHY ARE YOU FLOPPING AROUND LIKE THAT? The seat doesn’t go any farther back. The airlines still don’t let you recline your seat all the way into someone’s lap. Jesus Christ, dude.
TV CLUB CLASSIC
Slings And Arrows (1 p.m.): We wrote this review on the last plane, which was one of those tiny puddle jumpers, but everyone on it had some goddamned common courtesy. At least the movie’s started. It’s… Here Comes The Boom?! Not even Rachel McAdams can calm Todd VanDerWerff down now!
WHAT IS ON ON THIS AIRPLANE RIGHT GODDAMN NOW
Here Comes The Boom (The plane, 9 p.m., Tuesday): So… what? Kevin James is a teacher, but he can also MMA fight? For the kids? What’s the point of this movie, other than the fact that people think it’s funny when fat guys fall over and go boom? At least mustache man seems to be enjoying it.
WHAT ELSE IS ON
Inside The Actor’s Studio (Bravo, 8 p.m.): Kevin James might be America’s sweetheart, but he’s never been grilled by James Lipton. While it will probably take a few years for that wrong to be righted, you can comfort yourself in the knowledge that Best Actor nominee Hugh Jackman is in the hot seat tonight.
Ghost Mine (Syfy, 9 p.m.): We haven’t checked this one out in a while, so maybe you can just answer some burning questions for us: Have they found any gold? Have they found any ghosts? Have they found any gold left for them by ghosts who were scared and ran away after they ate a power pellet?
Nova (PBS, 9 p.m.): Nova asks the riveting question of what Earth looks like from space, suggesting PBS’ sweeps strategy is to appeal to the lowest common denominator by asking incredibly easy questions, then just showing footage of the Earth from space for two hours. It looks like a globe. You’re welcome.
Moonshiners (Discovery, 10 p.m.): Every week, the ratings reports come out with some variation on “But [insert name of critically acclaimed show here] was no match for Moonshiners, which saw over 17 trillion viewers!” Mustache Man laughed at Kevin James falling down. He probably loves Moonshiners.
Dr. No (G4, 8 p.m.): Tonight, TV invites you to try out two very different takes on James Bond at the same time, because the networks aren’t colluding to make sure programs with similar fanbases don’t overlap. Anyway, here’s the film that started it all, with the ever-charming Sean Connery as Bond.
GoldenEye (Reelz, 8 p.m.): And here’s the film that started it all, if by “started it all,” you mean, “Got us through much of college on an inferior video game system, because we couldn’t afford anything better, so we just kept plugging away at that Nintendo 64.” Now, it’s Pierce Brosnan’s turn to… Jesus Christ, mustache man! He’s Kevin James, not fucking Troilus And Cressida. (What? You don’t laugh at Troilus And Cressida?)
NHL Hockey, Blues at Red Wings (NBC Sports, 8 p.m.): See, we don’t have the Internet, so we can’t hurriedly look up both of these team’s records and pretend we know what we’re talking about. We read an article about how the Blues were off to a good start a week or so ago, so pretend that still applies.
IN CASE YOU MISSED IT
Frontline (Tuesday): Farihah Zaman checks out the newsmagazine’s coverage of the fiscal cliff debate, just in time for State of the Union season. Then you can all settle this debate for us: Who’s more to blame for this guy thinking our knees are his own personal massager: Obama or congressional Republicans?