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Tom Cruise to fight space aliens in a movie... yeah, movie

As with its adaptation of Akira, Warner Bros. is a huge fan of sci-fi stories about young Japanese people—stories that prompt it to say, “Hey, you know who would be great for this? An older white guy.” Hence its upcoming, Doug Liman-directed version of the Hiroshi Sakurazaka novel All You Need Is Kill, which concerns a young, “raw recruit” battling invading space aliens. And again, like Akira, whenever Warner Bros. needs a young, “raw recruit,” Brad Pitt’s phone rings, and then Brad Pitt chuckles softly, strokes his little chin beard, and declines because it sounds undignified. That’s when Warner Bros., working from the yellowing “Movie Star” posterboard it made sometime around 1995, follows the little Magic Marker line over to the “Tom Cruise” heart. And fortunately for them, Tom Cruise is newly interested in movies where he battles aliens and totally ignores character descriptions, so he enthusiastically agreed. Now Cruise will star as said recruit, who’s trapped within a Groundhog Day-like time loop where he’s killed and reborn over and over again, each time acquiring new skills to fend off the aliens and eventually become a better, stronger person. NOTE OBVIOUS PARALLELS TO SCIENTOLOGY, END TRANSMISSION.

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