Noted enjoyer of sex R. Kelly has released the cover art and track list for his upcoming Black Panties, a concept album about how R. Kelly really likes black panties—but not as much as removing said black panties, to access the vagina. The record comes in both regular and deluxe editions: The "regular" cover features R. Kelly in a Phantom Of The Opera mask, playing a topless woman like a cello; the dubiously “deluxe” cover features a rather provincial scene of R. Kelly lounging in a pile of women in black underwear, presumably a candid shot taken in his off-hours.
The track list continues along those lines and—while we’ve yet to actually hear anything beyond the 2 Chainz duet “My Story”—we’re fairly confident in what these are all about, as seen in the parenthetical subtitles we added here.
1. "Legs Shakin' (Because Of The Sex)”
2. "Cookie (A Euphemism For Sex I Will Now Explain In Great Detail)"
3. "Throw This Money on You (Seeing As You Are A Stripper With Whom I’m Going To Have Sex)"
4. "Prelude (To Sex, Which Is Really Just More Sex)"
5. "Marry The Pussy (Then Find A Nice Home With The Pussy, With A Fixed 30-Year Mortgage; Trust Me, Pussy, It's A Buyer's Market)"
6. "You Deserve Better (So Here Is My Penis)"
7. "Genius (Marie Curie’s Advancements In Radioactivity Research)"
8. "All The Way (Up To The Stoplight, Then Take A Left On Ventura, By The Carl’s Jr. Where We Had Sex That Time)”
9. "My Story (A Portrait Of The Artist Where Some Chick Is Straight Grinding On Him)”
10. "Right Back (I’m Just Running To The Corner Store For More Condoms)"
11. "Spend That (Your Cashback Deals Will Expire Soon)”
12. "Crazy Sex (With The Deeply Mentally Disturbed)"
13. "Shut Up (We’re Havin’ Sex)"
Deluxe Version Bonus Tracks:
14. "Tear It Up (Your Arby’s Coupon Is No Longer Valid)
15. "Show Ya Pussy (Robert Altman’s Brewster McCloud, I Think Ya Pussy Would Enjoy It)
16. "Physical (Education Is Important)"
17. "Every Position (On The Affordable Healthcare Act, Including Anal)"
Black Panties arrives Dec. 10, just in time for your family's uncomfortable Christmas.
Send your Newswire tips to email@example.com