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Tyra Said Nuck You Out

America's Next Top Model Will Never Stop

Twice a year, Tyra Banks rents out the cheapest studio she can find near the giant gaping maw of  the abyss—Tyra looooves the abyss, because it gives her inflatable elastic ego infinite room to  expand—she hires a photographer and camera crew, and she spends about a month doing push-ups with her eyes. The results are put on the CW, the only network capable of achieving perfect idiocy osmosis every single time,  as America's Next Top Model.

Cycle/Season 12 is shaping up to be the show's most inventive cycle/season yet. Having run out of stunt casting options—after a transgender contestant (Isis), a contestant with Asperger's (Heather), a contestant suffering from yell-talk syndrome (Jasleen), and a translucent contestant (Anya), where can you go?—it appears that Cycle/Season 12 will feature Tyra herself competing against three lucky silhouettes to see who can come up with the most nonsense words.

Guess who wins?

Sure, Tyra. The contestants will "nuck" us down. They'll also ta nuh chicka chicka chickabee with their eyes, and ressa na ressa in front of the judges. But how will they eviduh? I guess we'll have to tune in to find out!

I think I know who Cycle 12's gimmick contestant is: