Use the Parents Television Council advertisers list to determine whether your toilet paper endorses violence

Use the Parents Television Council advertisers list to determine whether your toilet paper endorses violence

The holiday shopping season can be hectic, complicated by the pressures of time, the discerning tastes of loved ones, and the worry over whether the product you’re buying adheres to the strict ethical code you enforce not only in your own home but the homes of others through your constant public expressions of outrage. Fortunately, the Parents Television Council has made that last part easier, at least, by releasing its annual Best and Worst Advertisers List as a sort-of buyers’ guide organized by product type and moral failing. That way you can print and take it with you the stores, and make an educated purchase knowing that, say, Bounty paper towels also support the absorption of good family values, but Brawny paper towels support graphic violence, as seen in its smiling axe murderer mascot.

While one might assume this guide was compiled using a vaguely defined system of unilateral judgment that's based entirely on a strict and dogmatic code, it also involved stoplights. The PTC graded each company according to how many ads it had purchased during shows it’s rated from “green” to “red” light, then selected a representative pair in each category—the one with the most greens being the “Best,” the most reds being the “Worst.”

So here’s the complete list, so those who, in the words of PTC president Tim Winter, “wish to ‘vote with their wallets’ and have a direct impact in support of family entertainment” can do so, and those who wish to speed our collapse into an amoral abyss know they should be texting dick pics on AT&T phones, suggestively grabbing Subway footlongs, getting an absolutely filthy credit rating at Wells Fargo, and buying their intercourse-linens exclusively at the den of iniquity that is J.C. Penney.  

Wireless Providers
BEST: Sprint
WORST: AT&T, Verizon

Banks
BEST: TD Bank, Chase
WORST: Wells Fargo, Bank of America

General Retail
BEST: Walmart, Sears
WORST: JC Penney, Kohl’s, Macy’s, Target  

Retail
BEST: Famous Footwear, H&M
WORST: Old Navy/Gap, Burlington Coat Factory 

Fast Food Restaurants
BEST: Dunkin Donuts, Dominos Pizza, Wendy’s, Arby’s
WORST: McDonalds, Subway, Taco Bell

Restaurants
BEST: Red Lobster, Cracker Barrel
WORST: TGI Friday’s, Red Robin

Beverages
Sub-Category: Fruit Juice
BEST: Ocean Spray, Motts Apple
WORST: Welch’s

Sub-Category: Coffee/Tea
BEST: Folgers Coffee
WORST: Lipton Tea, Nespresso

Sub-Category: Soft Drink
BEST: Coca Cola, Diet Coke
WORST: Diet Pepsi, Dr. Pepper

Personal Items/Groceries
Sub-Category: Toilet Paper
BEST: Charmin
WORST: Quilted Northern

Sub-Category: Paper Towels
BEST: Bounty
WORST: Brawny

Sub-Category: Toothpaste
BEST: Crest, Colgate
WORST: Aquafresh

Sub-Category: Mouthwash
BEST: Act Mouthwash
WORST: Listerine

Cosmetics/Hair Care
BEST: Pantene, Estee Lauder
WORST: Maybelline, L’Oreal

Automobiles
BEST: Chevrolet
WORST: Honda

So, as you're wadding up toilet paper to wipe your ass, ask yourself: This might be cleaning my anus, but is it cleaning my soul? As the PTC says, only if it's Charmin. [via Deadline]

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