This Valentine's Day, treat her like the 12-year-old you think she is mentally: give her a creepy teddy bear doppleganger of herself, or of you. Alternatively, you could set $50 on fire and sprinkle the ashes in a heart shape on her desk while she's at lunch. You know, romance her.
Vermont Teddy Bears: The Creative Alternative To Being A Human Being. They should have just said, "Guys: how much do you hate yourself? How much do you hate your stupid girlfriend? Get her a stupid bear. Done."
But you don't need a bear-counselor to bear-help you to find the real bear-you—or the real bear-her. After perusing the Vermont Teddy Bear site, I've cobbled together some suggestions for the perfect Valentine's Day gifts for every stereotype of an individual.
Here's the perfect bear to get her
If you were a contestant on Tool Academy:
If you are homeless and/or recently survived a shipwreck:
If you're currently starring in a production of Grease:
If you're really supportive of her art, and think she's gonna go really far with it:
If your girlfriend happens to be Joe Biden:
If your girlfriend is over 70:
If your girlfriend is into taxidermy and/or if you're secretly making a skin suit: