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Won’t someone help this Craigslist sun worshiper conceive an eclipse-powered superbaby?

(Photo: Vijayanand Gupta/Hindustan Times via Getty Images)
(Photo: Vijayanand Gupta/Hindustan Times via Getty Images)

We’re ten days out from a big solar eclipse in the U.S., one that’s already got people securing their glasses, aligning their chakras, and descending on locations in the event’s projected path like celestial-conjunction-hungry locusts. But few of us are really thinking about what the eclipse could mean for the world, not just in terms of tourism, or a reminder of our relative smallness in the grand scheme of things, but in its far more important capacity for letting us create solar-powered super babies to usher in the next age of mankind.

Luckily, one Craigslist pioneer is actually thinking ahead about this stuff; per GQ, a Craigslist ad popped up in Oregon this week from a guy inviting some lucky lady to straddle his sundial during the event, the better to channel its astrological energy into making sweet, sweet, love and powerful, powerful star babies. Sadly (or not, if it was actually successful) the original post has been pulled, but a reasonable facsimile has made its way to the site’s “best-of” list, and it’s what we in the eclipse-based-conception-watching community call “a doozy.”

When totality occurs, we will have simultaneous orgasms and we will conceive a child that will be on the next level of human evolution. We will make love together, with me and my penis directed towards the sun. Everything will be aligned in the local universe. Both of our cosmic orgasmic energy will be aligned with the planets. In a brief moment of ecstasy, we will understand everything, and together, create a new universe. Full of love...

You must like cats. Drugs are OK. Nitrous Oxide while we climax and experience totality and conception, is OK with me.

And while the guy’s stances on cats, drug use, and cosmic superbabies seem pretty progressive, there’s also the slight worry he might also be a virulent, awful racist; the opening part of the post notes that his “heritage is strong and pure,” and that his “looks, instincts, knowledge and strength is 100% pure and 100% lethal.”

So, yeah: it might be for the best if we just skip this particular ascension to a higher plane of existence for another day, even if it dooms another generation of humans to live with their various genitals dully pointed at the earth, instead of triumphantly directed toward the stars

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