Yie Ar Kung Fu

You are Oolong, a kung-fu fighter out to avenge whatever the damn kung-fu fighters are avenging these days. You do so by battling 11 opponents in Hot Fighting History and Masterhand History. They all have weapons, and you're armed only with your flying fists of fury, but you have a pocketful of quarters, a two-liter bottle of Shasta, and your all-Rush mix-tape on your side. Dig the well before you are thirsty, grasshopper, and do not fear going forward slowly; fear only to stand still.

Gameplay: Yie Ar Kung Fu recalls a simpler time, when enemies were named after their mode of attack, like Chain, Pole, Sword, and Feedle, and fighting styles were limited to the kick, the punch, and the jump. Beginning in Hot Fighting History, you take on relatively easy opponents on your way to Masterhand History, where things get really tough. There are a few basic combo moves, but just like in real-life kung fu, the best strategy is to be the first to the field, and the last to the couch. Also, punch a lot and jump.

Could be mistaken for: Five Deadly Venoms, 10 Magnificent Killers, 11 16-bit Fighters

Kids today might not like it because: It's impossible to play this game without Carl Douglas' 1974 super-hit "Kung Fu Fighting" earworming into your brain.

Kids today might like it because: The tinny music, washed-out backgrounds, and digitized kiai shouts are a perfect recreation of late-night Kung-Fu Theater on UHF channel 56.

Enduring contribution to gaming history: You know all those fighting games that filled arcades in the '90s? You can praise or blame Yie Ar Kung Fu, because it's the father of them all. —Wil Wheaton

 

Wil Wheaton demands total concentration. This is not a charade.