You should read our Voice reviews because how else will you pretend to be a functioning human being?

You should read our Voice reviews because how else will you pretend to be a functioning human being?

Here’s what’s up in the world of TV for Monday, Feb. 13. All times are Eastern.

TOP PICK
The Voice (NBC, 8 p.m.): Mondays are kind of a boring day for new TV, so we’re just going to recommend that you read Emily Yoshida’s Voice review, rather than watch the show. (We’d never make you watch a reality show. Heavens no!) Of all people in this world, Emily understands the appeal of spinning chairs, and she’ll be there to explain—in painstaking, always amusing detail—just what happens when the chairs spin around. What better way to keep up with the buzz around the ol’ water cooler than letting Emily do it for you?


REGULAR COVERAGE
House (Fox, 8 p.m.): What with the recent news that this will be the final season of everybody’s formerly favorite medical procedural, doesn’t it seem like time to check in on Zack Handlen and his continued, methodical journey through the last days?

How I Met Your Mother (CBS, 8 p.m.): Look, everybody! It’s Becki Newton! You probably don’t remember who she is because you watched the first half season of Ugly Betty, then tuned out, but Donna Bowman sure remembers her effervescence!

2 Broke Girls (CBS, 8:30 p.m.): Looks like it’s time for the long-promised “Earl storyline.” Todd VanDerWerff just might regain hope after… he… what? He… has a health scare after seeing Sophie in tight clothing. GodDAMMIT, 2 Broke Girls!

Alcatraz (Fox, 9 p.m.): This week’s inmate returns to the present to plant bombs all over the San Francisco area. Will Harris thinks we should forgive him for ripping off the plot of Blown Away because he was lost in space and time for the year of 1994.

Being Human (SyFy, 9 p.m.): Josh tries to find a cure for being a werewolf, but that’s just silly. Everybody knows that the only way to stop being a werewolf is Phil Nugent’s anti-werewolf skin cream, and he’s had to pull it thanks to FDA regulations.

RuPaul’s Drag Race (Logo, 9 p.m.): We don’t know what’s going to happen this week because TVGuide.com doesn’t have Logo as one of its default channels in its listings. We’re just going to trust Oliver Sava to figure it all out for us. Thanks, Oliver!

Castle (ABC, 10 p.m.): Sounds like this week’s episode—the first episode of a two-parter—packs in the crime show clichés with great gusto, from a killer connected to an international conspiracy to a woman from Castle’s past. Phil Nugent can’t wait.

Smash (NBC, 10 p.m.): You’re about to find out who gets the part of Marilyn in the absurdly sped-up production process that is Marilyn: The Musical. Noel Murray knows the answer, but he’s not telling. Okay, it’s Jack Davenport. It’s unconventional.


TV CLUB CLASSIC
Batman: The Animated Series (1 p.m.): Been missing Oliver Sava’s Batman: The Animated Series write-ups? Well, miss them no more, as they’re returning today, as he works his way through the (much shorter) second season of the superhero show.


WHAT ELSE IS ON?
136th Westminster Kennel Club Dog Show(USA, 8 p.m.): When’s the last time you saw a bulldog or a sheepdog or, hell, a dachshund winning one of these things? Who will stick it to the labs and terriers and stick up for the weird-looking dogs?

The BET Honors (BET, 9 p.m.): This year’s honorees include Maya Angelou, Spike Lee, Stevie Wonder, Mariah Carey, Beverly Kearney, and the Tuskegee Airmen. Also, Willow Smith will be appearing, probably just to remind you that she exists.

Slavery By Another Name (PBS, 9 p.m.): Laurence Fishburne narrates a documentary version of the fascinating book about African-Americans in post-Civil War society who were arrested and forced to work in hard labor jobs without pay.

100 Greatest Women In Music (VH1, 10 p.m.): They should totally let us do our own version of this list. We’d be able to do a better job of it than VH1, which will almost certainly throw Katy Perry on there somewhere and ignore Mandy Moore.

Hellboy II: The Golden Army (FX, 8 p.m.): Guillermo del Toro directed this immensely entertaining follow-up to his earlier film featuring these characters. It comes complete with wild creature designs and strange paeans to nature gods.

Z (TCM, 8 p.m.): We hear you out there, saying, “A.V. Club, I guess I could watch some of those CBS comedies or Hellboy or something, but what I’d really like to see is a political thriller with some assassinations mixed in.” Have we got a film for you!

Women’s College Basketball: Connecticut at Oklahoma (ESPN2, 9 p.m.): There’s simply no greater rivalry than the one between Connecticut and Oklahoma, as just about anyone could guess, simply from looking at a map of the United States.


IN CASE YOU MISSED IT
Pan Am (Sunday): Soon, this show will be gone, and if Erik Adams is to be believed, it’s not leaving the air in a fashion befitting a show people might miss someday. We wouldn’t know; we let it pile up on our DVR, then eventually just deleted it. Boom!