Zzyzzyxx

Everyone wants Lola; she has blonde hair, full lips, and a nice pair of shoes. But before she'll give you the time of day, you must ply her with gifts. Luckily for you, she doesn't seem to care if you give her diamond rings or lollipops, as long as she gets presents.

But Boris, Bluto, and Smoot are all creepy virus-looking guys who want to prevent you from delivering your gifts, so that you can't enjoy the bonus game, which features the whimsical characters Chlamydio and Herpas. Could Zzyzzyxx be any weirder? Assume the role of Izzy, a creature sort of like Evil Otto with tennis shoes, and decide for yourself.

Gameplay: Accompanied by the can-can (which was apparently a popular musical choice in 1982) you navigate through a moving maze of bricks to pick up presents and deliver them to the fickle Lola. The virus guys, who are called rattifers, bounce around the moving bricks, trying to stomp on you as you pass by. You can either avoid them, encase yourself in the safety of a temporary brick as they pass, or pick up a golden helmet and use it to smash them into a brick of death.

As the levels progress, you'll have to avoid crumbling bricks, rising missiles, and dropping bombs, because someone at Cinematronics felt the game wasn't bizarre enough already.

Could be mistaken for: An evening out with your cockblocking friend Justin.

Kids today might not like it because: Collecting all sorts of expensive junk to make some girl happy while avoiding icky viruses isn't exactly the diversion from real life they were looking for.

Kids today might like it because: In spite of (or maybe because of) all its weirdness, Zzyzzyxx is shockingly fun to play, and there really isn't anything else like it.

Enduring contribution to gaming history: Cinematronics was an industry leader in totally unique games. After Zzyzzyxx, they released Jack The Giantkiller and War Of The Worlds, and eventually gave us Dragon's Lair and Space Ace.

 

Wil Wheaton is in a maze of twisty little passages, all alike.

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