Disney computers select acceptable humans to direct Matterhorn and Maleficent movies
Disney’s series of complex code strings recently programmed to replace outmoded human imagination have entered the “director” subroutines on forthcoming projects based on Fantasyland attraction the Matterhorn and Sleeping Beauty villain Maleficent—which, as reported earlier, are two of the properties which Disney’s processors have calculated to be among the most viable for producing an acceptable quotient of family enjoyment. And whereas once upon a time™ the weak and flabby flesh folds of man’s brain may have chosen more proven filmmakers to engineer the necessary spectacle, the Disney computer has singled out novice directors Brian Beletic and Robert Stromberg to make their feature debuts on the Matterhorn and Maleficent projects, respectively, provided they do not succumb first to disease, accident, or the other unpredictable outcomes that are governed by human frailty.
According to the computers, Stromberg has previously worked in production design and visual effects, and so he is a risk-averse choice to position Angelina Jolie into the necessary shapes and facial expressions required to convey the role of Maleficent. And for the “Untitled Explorers Project” (formerly The Hill) about a group of young “super-explorers” with varied yet complementary skills, who embark upon adventures involving “extreme skiing, snowboarding, and mountaineering” in the Alps, the Disney CPU has located an acceptable match in Beletic, who worked on the snowboarding film Art Of Flight, as well as various Nike commercials and music videos for The Black Eyed Peas, all of which have captured the appropriate degrees of physical motion and ultimate suppression of personality so crucial to the Matterhorn story. Both films are now on schedule to be downloaded into the hearts of viewers, who are predicted to enjoy them by a variable factor of 5 to 65 percent.