Election 2008: Race To Unneccessary Graphics

by Amelie Gillette November 5, 2008

Last night, we all witnessed an historic first: the election of the first black president of the United States Of America. But if you happened to be watching CNN, you also witnessed a far, far less important first: the first interview via hologram in the guise of news for some reason. A century from now, when you're nothing but a head happily ensconced in a jar filled with warm, life-sustaining fluid, and you're telling your grandchild's grandchildren about the night that we elected Barack Obama, you'll smile at the memory and say, "Oh, yeah. That was also the year that CNN–they were a popular news organization at the time–decided to get all corny with the graphics. Like Hologram corny." Then your cyborg nurse's aide will place your cranium jar in its torso cavity, and take you for your afternoon stroll around the grounds of the Mars Sky Village Assisted Living In Jars Facility.

Did your eyes explode? Did your brain shudder with the sheer intensity of the unnecessary hologram graphics? Did you wonder for a moment why CNN is trying to look like that embarrassing American Idol special? What do you think Wolf Blitzer is actually looking at: A Tropic Thunder stand-up cardboard theater display, or a mop with a paper plate face?

In four years, we can only hope that CNN will have developed the ultimate in unnecessary graphics: live Matrix-style slo-mo ripples. That way, Wolf Blitzer can shoot election results at the reporter, they'll float through the air leaving behind those impressive ripples, and the reporter can carefully dodge the election-results bullets before finally catching one in her teeth, spitting it out and reading: "The state of Vermont, with its 3 electoral votes, is going for Barack Obama."