Fifty Shades Of Grey now also ruining classic literature
Jane Austen and more get a "sexy" makeover, because that's where we're at now
Aside from inspiring everything from increased sales of classical music to all-sex-toys-and-shame-included hotel packages to memberships to "Sugar Daddy" websites, in addition to the sudden realization by women that their vaginas can be used for things other than storing children or occasional jars of preserves, Fifty Shades Of Grey is causing huge ramifications in the world of literature. And not just by influencing modern authors have who struggled for years over their very personal artistic statements—only to learn that E.L. James is raking in over $1 million a week for essentially rewriting Twilight with spanking instead of vampires—to just say fuck it, and start writing novels like The Girl Who Met The Hot, Brooding Rich Guy And Maybe They Used Anal Beads, You Sexually Repressed Shut-In.
No, according to The Hollywood Reporter, Fifty Shades has even begun to retroactively penetrate classics of yore, which is a sexy word that people like to read. "Penetrate," he gasped, instantly earning us thousands of dollars. Anyway, digital publisher Clandestine Classics has now taken the recent "Jane Austen plus zombies" formula to its dismally logical conclusion with Fifty Shades-inspired versions of books like Jane Eyre, Pride And Prejudice, Northanger Abbey, Sherlock Holmes: A Study In Scarlet, and 20,000 Leagues Under The Sea, all with added sex scenes and—to quote a passage from the "enhanced" Pride And Prejudice—steamy descriptions like this one of Mr. Darcy: "Hot, spicy, and all man." The books will be targeted at both straight and, in the case of Sherlock Holmes, gay readers, with the homoerotic relationship that Guy Ritchie's movies only implied between Holmes and Watson taken to a very literal place. No word on whether the sexed-up 20,000 Leagues will similarly be targeted at hentai fans who enjoy tentacle rape, but considering Clandestine insists that the books are "keeping the original prose and the author's voice," yes, probably.