God's own personal half-man apologizes to lowly filth-miners of Two And A Half Men
Having issued his stern warnings about America's growing godlessness, imploring the nation to reject the "filth" of Two And A Half Men the same way it had expelled the Irish and the pagan Injuns—only to be met with the raucous sounds of a discontented rabble, and a chattering ticker-tape predicting his own falling fortunes—Angus T. Steakflower grudgingly crushed his stovepipe hat in hand to grovel for forgiveness.
"My heart 'tis filled with pity for all these lowly men, soft as city women, who tremble so before the thunderbolt of the Lord! Why, these timid, mewling cowards who buy their way into Mammon's consort one ha'penny dick jest at a time are as craven as General William S. Rosecrans himself!" Steakflower began railing, before being reminded by his management team that he is paid the handsome sum of $350,000 per episode to provide the merest semblance of storytelling purpose to a bafflingly popular sitcom, and that he should show a bit more contrition if he wished that to continue.
So, Steakflower had said team write this up, and then he stabbed ostrich feather into inkwell and affixed his name to it:
I have been the subject of much discussion, speculation and commentary over the past 24 hours. While I cannot address everything that has been said or right every misstatement or misunderstanding, there is one thing I want to make clear. Without qualification, I am grateful to and have the highest regard and respect for all of the wonderful people on Two and Half Men with whom I have worked and over the past 10 years who have become an extension of my family.
Chuck Lorre, Peter Roth and many others at Warner Bros. and CBS are responsible for what has been one of the most significant experiences in my life to date. I thank them for the opportunity they have given and continue to give me and the help and guidance I have and expect to continue to receive from them. I also want all of the crew and cast on our show to know how much I personally care for them and appreciate their support, guidance and love over the years. I grew up around them and know that the time they spent with me was in many instances more than with their own families. I learned life lessons from so many of them and will never forget how much positive impact they have had on my life.
I apologize if my remarks reflect me showing indifference to and disrespect of my colleagues and a lack of appreciation of the extraordinary opportunity of which I have been blessed. I never intended that.
Having thus shown proper appreciation toward all those laborers who have long toiled in the filth-mines to fill his coffers—whose slow dig to Hell has created his nearby holy mountain, from which he can look down on them in pious pity—Steakflower at last felt himself unburdened. Like Jesus Christ Himself, he had shown them all that he hated the sin, but loved the sinner.
And the money.