If the American Horror Story finale doesn't feature at least one skunk tap-dancing in slow motion, we're going to be disappointed
More What's On Tonight?
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- TV’s slowed down, but Hannibal just keeps trucking along
- Though ABC stopped trusting her long ago, it's finally time for us to stop trusting the B---- In Apartment 23 as well
Here’s what’s up in the world of TV for Wednesday, Dec. 21. All times are Eastern.
American Horror Story (FX, 10 p.m.): So it’s the last episode of season one, and we’re expecting nothing less than a finale that outdoes the Little House On The Prairie series finale for sheer, house-exploding goodness. We want the entirety of Los Angeles disappearing into a crater in the ground, while Constance, Rubber Man, Ben Harmon, Larry The Burn-Faced Man, and that exterminator from a few episodes back link arms, sway back and forth, and sing Boyz II Men’s “End Of The Road.” We want to see Connie Britton eat all the brains, levitate into the sky, and breathe fire. We want to see at least one warthog. Make this happen, American Horror Story. For Todd VanDerWerff.
The X Factor (Fox, 8 p.m.): Here’s another season finale. Well, part one of a season finale. Who will win? Chris Rene, Josh Krajcik, or Melanie Amaro? More importantly, do you care? And do you feel bad for making Emily Yoshida watch it all alone?
Work Of Art: The Next Great Artist (Bravo, 9 p.m.): Somebody named KAWS is the guest judge for the finale, so this decision is either up to a performance artist or a Batman villain who dresses like a crow. Would that it were up to John Teti!
Top Chef (Bravo, 10 p.m.): Patti LaBelle is the guest judge tonight because, well, why the fuck not? When is this show going to hire Margaret Eby as a guest judge? That’s what we want to know! Embrace your critics, Top Chef. And feed them too!
TV CLUB CLASSIC
Survivor (Classic) (11 a.m.): Meredith Blake would like to remind you that though the shortest day of the year is tomorrow (and didn’t it used to be today?), it’s the longest day of the year in the Southern Hemisphere. Twisted, backwards freaks!
The Sopranos (1 p.m.): Season five ends with Tony huffing and puffing through the snow, and Todd VanDerWerff announces the winner of the poll to decide which show he’ll be covering next. We know you’re all waiting on pins and needles.
TV CLUB ADVENT CALENDAR
Chrismukkah in The O.C. (Tuesday): If you’re waiting for an excuse to celebrate a made-up holiday invented by an Adam Brody character, Carrie Raisler is all too happy to give you several reasons to. Unless it’s season three. That episode is bad.
WHAT ELSE IS ON?
Hot Coffee (HBO2, 8 p.m.): This documentary about how the media distorts the actual facts behind so-called frivolous lawsuits, including the famous McDonald’s hot coffee case was one of our favorites of the year. Check out a repeat tonight.
The Santa Incident (Hallmark, 8 p.m.): After Homeland Security blasts Santa out of the sky, Ione Skye has to do… something to get him back in the air. And resurrect her career. Santa’s played by a guy named James Cosmo, too, which is awesome.
This Is Justin Bieber (TLC, 9 p.m.): We hope the title of this biography is read by the Jeopardy! announcer, who says, “This is… Justin Bieber!” then announces that there’s a take-home edition to the delighted screams of millions of little girls.
Hot In Cleveland (TV Land, 10 p.m.): First, TV Land came for Betty White, and I said nothing, for I didn’t really like Golden Girls. Then, TV Land came for Wendie Malick, and I said nothing, for Just Shoot Me was always overrated. Then, TV Land came for John Mahoney, and… fuck’s sake, John Mahoney? What an awful world.
Back To The Future trilogy (MoMax, 5:10 p.m.): Watch all three Back To The Future films in one fell swoop. Then go outside and call people “chicken” until you can get them to do incredibly stupid and self-destructive things to themselves.
The Front (TCM, 8 p.m.): Woody Allen is a lot of fun—in one of the few movies he starred in that he didn’t write and direct—as the titular front in a film about Hollywood’s blacklist days. If you haven’t seen this one, it’s very, very good.
NHL Hockey: Flyers at Stars (Versus, 7:30 p.m.): We think that Jaromir Jagr would be a household name if he changed his last name to “Jaguar.” And his first name. We think he’d be a household name if his name was “Jaguar Jaguar.”
IN CASE YOU MISSED IT
Best TV of 2011 (Tuesday): So 25 of your “favorite” TV Club writers sat down and voted and argued and arm wrestled and arrived at this list of the 30 best TV programs of the year 2011. And if you haven’t read it yet, you totally should.