Justin Bieber asserts his dominance by assaulting photographer
He shall defend his territory by fear and might
Like a young Alexander The Great—only "swaggier"—Justin Bieber may have looked upon the breadth of his dominion and wept for there were no more stupid, random worlds to rename, but do not be lulled into believing that his territorial rights will not continue to be asserted through brute force. A paparazzo learned this the hard way over the weekend, when his attempt to snap a photograph of Bieber resulted in "some sort of physical altercation"—surely a rather innocuous description for an impressive display of power, as Bieber has recently moved on from his tutelage in geography, elocution, and the lyre to begin his gladiatorial training with Mike Tyson. According to witnesses, immediately after the scuffle was over, a lawyer who just happened to be nearby approached the photographer and encouraged him to press charges; the injured party was shortly admitted to a hospital, complaining of a "pain to his upper torso" even more severe, though less potentially lucrative than the heartache induced by Bieber's song. Bieber is now reportedly being investigated for criminal battery, though know ye that of his virility there can no longer be any question.