Lindsay Lohan sentenced to 90 days of inevitability
As you’ve no doubt heard by now via every available news outlet and from betwixt the beak of every songbird, Lindsay Lohan has been sentenced to 90 days in jail and 90 days in a substance abuse program for violating her probation—and, let’s be honest here, for generally behaving like she isn’t the most closely scrutinized actress on the planet, and for not realizing that maybe having her picture taken at a Cannes coke party while she was supposed to be breezing through a few court-mandated classes would reflect poorly on her public perception.
Lohan offered a teary monologue in her own defense, in which she insisted that she’d made every effort to remain “in compliant,” but that her efforts were constantly compromised by the unyielding demands of her career and dedication to “working with children in Morocco.”
Moved by what resembled the third act of an estranged mother-daughter ABC Family drama, the judge reacted with tender mercy by not laughing in her face and saying, “Seriously? They were alcohol-education classes. All you had to do was sit in a classroom for a few hours, then you got to return to your big-ass house and go shopping—and you couldn’t even do that. Shut up, for real.”
TMZ also has full video of Lohan’s sentencing, which pinpoints the exact moment when Lohan realizes that for once she wouldn’t be allowed to bounce away in her bubble of privilege, and that life as she knows it is temporarily over for 90 days—or more likely, around 25 days based on jail overcrowding, “good behavior,” and the court’s desire to get the E! News crew off of city property. In the ensuing gossip post-mortem, of course, everyone is currently swept up in speculation about what this means for Lohan’s once-promising career. Oh, just kidding: They’re talking about why she wrote “Fuck U” on the double rainbows of her fingernails. What does it mean?!
But let’s discuss her film prospects anyway, as that is ostensibly why we started paying attention to Ms. Lohan in the first place. Of course, some have been quick to declare her career over and "done,” saying that the already-“unbankable” actress couldn’t possibly recover from the stigma of her own bad-girl reputation. Then again, Robert Mitchum spent 48 days in jail, and when he got out he was a bigger star than ever. Then again, he was Robert Mitchum. Lohan’s own possibility for box-office redemption, meanwhile, rests solely with the Linda Lovelace biopic Inferno. (Her sentencing means she won't be available to promote her role in Robert Rodriguez's Machete—not that they'd necessarily want her to do that anyway.) Fortunately for her, Inferno director Matthew Wilder has promised he will delay production until Lohan’s release, issuing the following statement:
"This is a sad chapter in the ongoing tragicomic circus between the tabloid media and the 'justice' system. An outrageously outsized sentence garners attention for all the players involved, but brings only sadness to the poor soul who has to serve it. I am 100% behind Lindsay and can say the same for everyone involved in the production of Inferno: A Linda Lovelace Story. Indeed, we are proud to have this remarkable artist work on our film. And as for the haters relishing this moment, I can only quote Jesus in The Last Temptation of Christ: 'And those who are laughing now ... will be crying after.’”
Indeed: You may be giddy with schadenfreude at the moment, but when a clean and sober Lohan returns to the screen in Inferno and wields her newly recharged dramatic prowess all over lines like, “To me, there is nothing more delicious than gism. I love it! I like to smear it all over my face like Ponds Cold Cream,” will you be laughing then? We didn’t think so.