Michael Bay producing 3-D update of Hansel And Gretel, because of course he is
Michael Bay’s The Institute—which is to filmmaking as Monsanto is to farming—will produce a live-action 3-D retelling of the Brothers Grimm fairy tale Hansel And Gretel, to be filmed next year in Germany. The original buddy-cop duo (one’s a resourceful type who always keeps a pocketful of breadcrumbs, the other’s a quick-thinking loose cannon with wicked pushing skills!) will not only face off against an evil witch and her gingerbread house, they’ll also do battle with various “Teutonic beings” from German mythology, to be fashioned by Avatar’s lead character designer Joseph C. Pepe. So it should fit right in with all of those other decidedly dark post-Alice In Wonderland fairy-tale reboots headed our way, as hinted at in the press release promising that Hansel And Gretel In 3-D “exemplifies The Institute’s motto, ‘Where Brand Science Meets Great Storytelling,’” which is already so coldly cynical that it defies parody. Here’s the teaser poster. It’s where awkward taglines meet regrettable font choices.