Michael Bolton to star in ABC sitcom as himself, who sucks
Having recently adopted the now-familiar career comeback tactic of admitting that you suck, Michael Bolton has signed on to star in an ABC pilot as a loosely fictionalized version of himself, Michael Bolton, who sucks. Bolton will play a singer named Michael Bolton who represents everything soulless about music but also seems like he can laugh at himself, as seen in his recent guest turns in The Lonely Island's "Captain Jack Sparrow" and on Two And Half Men, and mornings in which Michael Bolton wakes up, looks himself in the mirror, and says, "You've got this, Michael. You're still Michael Fucking Bolton. You can't hear them laugh at you if you're laughing loudest," then does a little fist pump.
Anyway, this "Michael Bolton" character will hire a young woman to handle his "social media"—which, ha ha, Michael Bolton's "social media"—who quickly becomes caught up in the altogether-different awfulness of his daughter, hence the show's title Michael Bolton's Daughter Is Destroying My Life. It will be written by 30 Rock's Tami Sagher from an idea inspired by the early, real-life celebrity encounters of Go On star Alison Miller, who is too busy with that show to star… for now. It was also inspired by the fact that Michael Bolton sucks, but that's okay, he's a good sport and we can all laugh about it now.