Things I learned while perusing the new People magazine for 20 minutes on the subway: 1. Twelve headshots of twelve dead miners are equal to one full-length Lindsay Lohan. (p. 5) 2. Britney Spears and Kevin Federline are incompatible, philosophically speaking. "After dining with friends at Nobu at the Hard Rock Hotel, Spears nuzzled up to Federline for a long stretch of post-dinner PDA. Still, philosophical differences may linger " Scoop, p. 21 3. The guy on Malcolm In The Middle who is not Frankie Muniz can somehow afford a $3.75 million house. (Scoop, p. 24) 4. Evidently, this whole Scientology thing works because Jenna Elfman is in a new sitcom! It's called Jenna-ration or Jenna-tics Experiments Gone Wrong or Jenna-sis or Elfman-ia! or something equally annoying. (p. 2-3) 5. Even on her wedding day, Pink still keeps it real, you know? (Well, as real as you can keep it when you're marrying a star of The Surreal Life). Check it, y'all! 6. Oh, and Angelina Jolie is pregnant with Brad Pitt's baby. (Cover, p. 5, 58, 59, 60, 61, and 62) Duh.