The FBI finally recognizes Juggalos as a national threat
After years of watching fecklessly as Insane Clown Posse directed attacks against reality show stars, science, and the concept of rhyming, the FBI has finally taken the Juggalo threat under serious advisement, adding the group’s face-painting “Family” members to its 2011 National Gang Threat Assessment as a “loosely organized hybrid gang” that poses an increasing threat so dangerous, it necessitates two pages and several bullet points. Big bullet points, with footnotes and colored subsections and everything, so you know it’s serious. Why the sudden panicky graphic design? Because according to the FBI, Juggalos have begun moving beyond merely gathering for mutual music appreciation and discussion about how much they hate their stepdads toward “forming more organized subsets and engaging in more gang-like criminal activity.” (At least, whenever their dipshit boss lets them off. Yo, it’s just a Sonic, bitch! What’s your problem?)
While the other gangs listed in the annual report have the usual rap sheets of major drug trafficking, homicides, and the occasional dance-off, the FBI understandably has difficulty pinning down exactly what Juggalos are up to: “Juggalos' disorganization and lack of structure within their groups, coupled with their transient nature, makes it difficult to classify them and identify their members and migration patterns,” the agency notes, having been denied by the damned liberal Obama administration the resources required to Google the word “Juggalo.”
Working within those limitations, however, they have been able to surmise that Juggalos seem to be spreading beyond the four states that officially recognize them as a gang (Arizona, California, Pennsylvania, and Utah—though Utah also classifies any two kids with a skateboard as a “gang”), with recent “migration patterns” suggesting they’re expanding to New Mexico “primarily because they are attracted to the tribal and cultural traditions of the Native Americans nearby,” whose earthbound, magic-everywhere-in-this-bitch spirituality is familiar to anyone who’s ever listened to “Miracles,” or just read a joke about it on the Internet.
More and more, however, the FBI says that Juggalos are simply a wandering circus cutting a destructive swath through random towns—depending on how far they have to walk, because fuck that shit, man. And while there’s a set record of Juggalo-related criminal activity like petty theft, low-level drug sales, and the occasional felony assault, the agency seems most concerned about the Juggalos’ unpredictability, noting that their crimes are typically “sporadic, disorganized, individualistic,” and motivated solely by wanting to maintain the illusion of being dangerous, violent people. So it’s a good thing the FBI officially legitimized them as both a gang and a national threat then, so the Juggalos can take a step back and maybe consider their life choices now. [via Gawker]