The Worst Band Names Of '07
Each year, The A.V. Club receives hundreds of albums, thousands of press releases, and several thousand more show listings for hundreds of venues around the country. At any given moment, our editors are besieged by information on bands, most of which we've never heard of. Sifting through all that info, we inevitably encounter questionable band names. Actually, you could argue any moniker is questionable, but here, we're talking about the really bad ones, and others that are at least kind of funny or otherwise charming. We write them down on an ever-expanding list over the course of the year, then present them in our annual Worst Band Names feature. This list isn't a compendium of the worst names of all time, just the ones we encountered this year. Are you ready to rock?
Just plain bad
The Color Fred
Job For A Cowboy
From San Diego, home of Da Chargers.
Yo Mama's Big Fat Booty Band
"FunkHopRock 4 the Soul"
Shout Out Out Out Out
"What happens when 2 Hollywood rappers team up with a cracker from Oakland?" Don't ask.
The Asbestos Tampons
Among their MySpace friends: Tasty Twat Records
Malice In Wonderland
I Sank Molly Brown
Poetic Justice League 4 America
The Hobbits Of The Shire
Uprise Of The Dope Fiendz
Kidz In The Hall
Poets & Pornstars
Pistol Whipping Party Penguins
Baboon Torture Division
Their site proudly boasts that it ranks "1 for Baboon Torture Porn on Google."
Those Fucking Unicorns
Unicorn Dream Attack
Penguins With Shotguns
Tigers Can Bite You
Their MySpace page looks like it was designed by Homer Simpson.
Never mind the goofy name. "Electric Vagina is committed to grassroots marketing and building a fan base one person at a time," vows their bio.
Gay Witch Abortion
Headline on MySpace blog: "GAY BABY BUYING A TITAN 1 MISSILE BASE TO SURVIVE THE COMING ZOMBIE APOCALYPSE."
Dance Me Pregnant
Whore Du Jour
They apparently took their name from an Imperial Teen song.
Roger's Porn Collection
The Rape Ape
Raperies (Like Draperies)
Their entirety of their bio: "I'm putting the pieces together. I'm starting to add the dialogue. The storyboard is starting to take shape. And this can't end well. It just can't."
Proper Name/Title Combinations
The House That Gloria Vanderbilt
Lists "Baby Jesus" as an influence, and says they sound like "a snapping pussy." Their bio boldly proclaims, "the faggot has risen......fighting for the power of the queef...help us harness the escape of air from vaginas around the world......join the cult.be somebody."
Neil Diamond Phillips
"Part Neil Diamond, Part Lou Diamond Phillips, 100% Rock!" Sadly, the band doesn't sound like Lou Diamond Phillips singing Neil Diamond songs.
Does it make it better or worse that they're a Scottish blues band?
Goodbye Girl Friday
From their bio: "Basically, the idea behind Chevy Metal is that they play rock songs from the 70's, DIRT ROCK, as they say. Music that a meth dealer from 1973 would have listened to."
Generally speaking, it's a bad idea to state a genre classification in your name, but funk (and ska) bands have a compulsion to do so. The results are always terrible.
Phunk And Associates
This "down 'n dirty partylicious funkstation" briefly disbanded when a founding member left for school, but they decided to keep going, as "the phunk never leaves you."
Officially known as "Ivan Neville's Dumpstaphunk." Its website proudly states that its message board is "now %100 pornography free!"
You'd think a dot-com URL would be one of the perks of calling your band "Felonious Funk," but no, this Massachusetts band had to settle for a .net. (Someone's sitting on feloniousfunk.com.) Rest assured, though, their style—"smooth Jazz and Latin grooves to today's dance hits and all your Motown favorites"—are "perfect for any wedding, corporate or social event."
Fans of this Chicago funk-metal act needn't worry: Hellz Funk's second album, Corpse Flower, will be out soon, and it's "groovier, heavier, all together tighter than [first album] Damnitol and will be ready to bite off your genitals and French kiss em' in your mouth next year. Stay greasy Funkwads."
"Purveyors Of Soulful Groove"
United We Funk
Sadly, not a patriotic funk band that plays covers of stuff like Lee Greenwood's "God Bless The U.S.A."
Their URL? Funkparty.com. Their sound "has made them a favorite for Private Events hosted by A-List Celebrities, Dignitaries, Fortune 500 Companies, Weddings, and top clubs in the US."
Album: Your Politics Suck, on Buddha Bug Records.
Nu Funk Mafia
During the band's "flirtatiously spontaneous stage show," their "antics are only upstaged by unmistakable musicianship and songwriting skills."
420 Funk Mob
How can you make a band name with "funk" in it worse? Why, incorporate a pot reference, of course. This band of "funketeers" could only top that by adding a wang reference. Maybe 420 Funk Knob Mob? 420 Funk Mob Knob Slobs? Quick, residents of Colorado and Vermont, figure this out for us.
The Demon Funkies
They promise "the energy of Angus Young and confidence of James Brown" with music that has an "uncanny ability to draw people out of ordinary reality." They recently played the Funk Ball, not to be confused with Funkball®, New Zealand's felted wool ball that "adds value to your life as useful fun."
Related: Genre in name
Some jams featured on Live From Yucca Muthafucka: "Booze Rap," "Dayz Like Theze." Don't let their partying distract you, though, their serious goal: "Rap Scallions came together to make an impact on the world of music."
Any Swing Goes
Don't worry that this big band "from the heart of London" will be too pricey: "We're a semi-professional outfit; most of play for the love of it, which means that booking us is remarkably affordable." Not with how the dollar's doing against the pound right now!
Punk As A Doornail
The guitarist uses a homemade guitar made from an old skateboard, which is pretty badass.
Also related: Names implying boogying, grooving, or other hippie shit
They're German, but that's no excuse.
"What makes GROOVIN' HIGH the best Function Band in London?" They'll be happy to tell you. See their complete list of clients.
"Watching Wish Doctor is just like watching a real concert," boasts their bio. Wow, it's like you're seeing a real band?
Capitalist Hippie Complex
What's the recipe for the Capitalist Hippie Complex? They'll tell you:
1.5 oz top shelf Funk
2.0 oz conscious Hip Hop
1.0 oz underground Jazz
Mix with anything
add High Energy Twist
Serve Chill as a Motha Fucka
This Austin band wins for Best Opening Line Of A Band Bio: "34.7 hundred years ago, in the mountains of Echinacea, an elf gave birth to a baby elf."
Simple, yet good (in a bad-good way)
Hooray For Earth
HFE may have the least appealing band description ever: "Sort of like Enya and Nirvana breaking things at a video arcade in hell."
Earth Dies Screaming
Described as "8-bit music that would make your ears vomit." And they're looking to be signed!
General Patton & His Privates
Special Ed & The Shortbus
Rotel & The Hot Tomatoes
Robin Williams On Fire
Band members also play in the bands True Dot Com, Timothy Treadwell, Turd Sorcerer, Destroy Tokyo, and Cobra Bubbles.
Mel Gibson & The Pants
Using title to something else
I Walk The Line
The Wonder Years
Album: Get Stoked On It!
They're from somewhere called Dryburgh in the UK, so they get a pass. But in the U.S., those words together mean "annoying talk show."
Motto: "The Don't Does." Kinda like "The dude abides."
Now auditioning for a new singer!
Candygram For Mongo
Bio: "If Cheap Trick were moderating a debate between Social Distortion and the Dropkick Murphys over which was better: Internet vs. home video pornography - it would sound like Candygram For Mongo!"
Into The Light Carol Anne
We're fucking HEAVY, bro
May This Day Perish
Can't remember singer Steven Buzzy's name? Use his title: Vaginal Dominator.
Temple Of Brutality
Beneath The Massacre
Enjoy The Massacre
Desecrate The Hour
Cry Of The Afflicted
At The Throne Of Judgment
Bullet Called Life
Mankind Is Obsolete
Recently No. 1 on the Deutsch Alternative Charts!
The Liar Dies
With Blood Comes Cleansing
Ima Fucking Gymnist
Sadly, they recently pussed out and changed it to "Ima Gymnist." Boo!
The Mister Fuckhead Ensemble
Big Fucking Thunder
They describe their sound as "trashcans fucking on cheap speed."
Two bands share the name, one from Las Vegas, the other from Hollywood.
My! Gay! Husband!
Sadly, they're breaking up.
The Red Muffs
Not only are TRM "notably popular with the UCSB and USC sorority/fraternity crowd," but "you can't swing a dead cat without hitting someone ridiculously hot" at their shows. Totally, bro.
Album: Maximum Penetration
The Pussy Pirates
First line of bio: "FIRST OFF WE'RE AN IDEAS BAND. I THINK WE PROVED THAT WITH FUCK MOUNTAIN."
Steaming Wolf Penis
Monster Cock Rally
The Dick Panthers
First line of bio: "Pussyfinger is a propagandist statement about the shortcomings of humankind." Yes, obviously.
Cock Rock For Cannibals
The Berg Sans Nipple
Cross My Heart Hope To Die
Broke up this year, alas.
Gray Lines Of Perfection
I Would Set Myself On Fire For You
Another casualty: They broke up in July. No band can survive such a terrible name.
The Pleasures Of Merely Circulating
Fixed Gears Are For Jerks And Lesbians
A Simpsons reference retooled for bike nerds. Parfait.
Happy Mothers Day, I Can't Read
Mostly Other People Do The Killing
If Your Hands Were Metal That Would Mean Something
We All Have Hooks For Hands
My Precious, Precious Gun
The Shark That Ate My Friend
Assemble Head In Sunburst Sound
Curse This Metal Body
It Shoulda Been Lars
France Has The Bomb
"Are you aware that the French (people who live in the country France) have the bomb? We are, and we're not happy about it."
Secret Lives Of The Freemasons
Songs include "MILF," "Slayer Song," and "The Beer Song."
Cutesy bullshitSmile Brigade
My Hero Is Me
The Giggle Club
As seen in Little Miss Thang magazine!
Although they describe their sound as "slightly better than terrible," they nevertheless won Vice Magazine's "worst album of the month." Then all their gear was stolen. And now they're on this list. They can't catch a break!
Sing It Loud
The Giving Tree Band
Ashley Said Yes
Dear And The Headlights
One Small Step For Landmines
Visitor to their site can download four different ad banners to put on their MySpace pages. Hooray!
The Cornish Gay Men
Order Of The Dying Orchid
The Ghost Is Dancing
Winter Took His Life
Flowers Of Romance
Pieces Of A Dream
Grave For The Fireflies
After seven years, they recently changed their name to Vultures United. They described the news as, "It's like having a new baby last minute, but it being born retarded BUT ULTIMATELY, it having special powers."
Orb Of Confusion
Formerly known as Wailin' Genocide.
Three Weed Salad
Count Dracula's Weed Smuggling Jam Engine
Sistas In The Pit
Joan As Police Woman
"BEAUTY IS THE NEW PUNK ROCK," announces her site.
She Is So Beautiful/She Is So Blonde
One reviewer described them as "the least fun music possible." Ouch.
Speak Her Language
God-Des And She
This Lesbian rap act has a song called "Lick It" which begins, "Good evening class, I would like to welcome you to Pussy-Eating 101."
Dead By Choice
Strangers Die Every Day
The Dead Kenny Gs
First line of their bio: "Started in 2002 to try and end Christianity. Instead we spent the years just drinking, doing drugs, and fucking a lot of whores. All while trying to rip off Carcass and Darkthrone."
As Your Attorney
Coach Said Not To
Life After Laserdisque
Food Will Win The War
Haunting Oboe Music
Or, The Whale
Vices I Admire
Shapes Have Fangs
Jews And Mexicans
"Available for Bar Mitzvahs and Quinceaneras!"
Prognosis: Killing It
AKA Wizard Beard
Batman Vs. Predator
Til We're Blue Or Destroy
Shot For The Stars...And Kill Them
Human Being Lawnmower
Does It Offend You, Yeah?
To Live And Shave In L.A.
Happy Butterfly Foot
Car Full Of Midgets
Boneless Children Foundation
Bear's Acoustic Honey
Album: Boners And Loners
Amusing Show Line-Ups from This Year:
Clinging To The Trees Of A Forest Fire + Eviscerated Soul, Zombie Hate Brigade, Deadspeak, Whore Grinder: Bender's Tavern, 9pm
Unicorn Basement + Gay Witch Abortion, Babyguts, Bri Entering The Bratmosphere: Triple Rock Social Club, 9pm, free
Pink Reason + Psychedelic Horseshit, Expensive Shit: Beerland, 10pm
Little Bitches + Johnny Butt And The Bad Fish: Rockit Room, 9pm