A.V. Club's extremely shallow guide to the Austin mayoral race
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Austin's upcoming mayoral race has been generating a resounding "That’s this year?" from many Austin residents, to which we can sorta relate: While we would never claim not to care about politics, it's somewhat difficult to have a strong opinion about a race featuring two candidates with very similar platforms, two candidates we just heard of last week, and Carole Keeton Strayhorn again. Still, in Barack Obama's America, it's not cool to be politically apathetic, even on local issues. That’s why we've put together a guide to help people who, like us, will probably make their decision based on the most superficial of criteria, like:
Whose name would be the most fun to say for the next three years?
It’s a testament to what a weird year it is that a guy named “Josiah James Ingalls” is the boring option. Between Brewster McCracken, Lee Leffingwell, David Buttross, and avid name-collector Carole Keeton McClellan Rylander "Grandma" Strayhorn, “Josiah Ingalls” is downright prosaic. Coming off of two terms from Will "Yes, That's My Real Name" Wynn, it's important that his successor also have a moniker that makes us giggle. On paper, Buttross is the obvious favorite, but his name is actually pronounced "boot-rose," putting him at a clear disadvantage. Strayhorn's litany of surnames is a hoot the first time, but if brevity is the soul of wit, she definitely suffers from diminishing returns. That puts it down to McCracken and Leffingwell: Would you rather have a mayor who sounds like a cartoon Scotsman or a cookie-baking cartoon elf?
Who has the best campaign headshot?
Once again, Ingalls gets the short straw, as his official site features only a single, low-resolution shot from behind a podium. Even worse, his MySpace page is heavy on pictures from 2003, in which Ingalls looks kinda like Eminem. Buttross has a posed, professional shot of himself in front of a white background, casually leaning back as if to say, "Hey, check out my MS Paint-designed campaign logo!" He's also got his arms folded, ostensibly to demonstrate that, while he might be named "Buttross,” he's a no-nonsense motherfucker. You have to go to the "Learn" section of Carole Keeton Strayhorn's website to get a glimpse of the candidate; she looks nice and grandmotherly and all, but what woman in her sixties doesn't? Leffingwell, meanwhile, loves plastering pictures of his doughy, ruddy face all over AustinLeadership.com, and while the elfin grin and pointy ears don't help his Keebler-esque name much, we do have to admit he looks pretty spry for a guy pushing 150. McCracken looks downright bland in all of his shots, an average-looking, youngish guy with blonde hair—just the kind of blank slate you can project all your dreams onto.
Whose slogan is the least meaningless?
The candidates all offer variations on the Web 2.0 theme of "It's all about you," with Stayhorn ditching the "One Tough Grandma" slogan that netted her little more than a failed lawsuit in her 2006 gubernatorial campaign in favor of the friendlier "Carole for Austin.” McCracken tries the punchier "Your City, Your Values" couplet, while Leffingwell goes with "In It For You,” all of which makes us feel super-important ("Leffingwell got in it for us?"), but it doesn't tell us much about the candidates. For instance, are they courageous? Buttross sure is: He has "The Courage To Bring About Change,” which makes him sound kinda like Obama, but also ready to kick your ass. Ingalls, meanwhile, opts out of sloganeering altogether, but his website does feature a five-page index to his as-yet-unpublished "autobiography by way of poetry,” My Mother Did It So Now I Am The Man That I Am. He’s also found of the Edmund Burke quote, "The only thing that is necessary for evil to triumph is for good men to do nothing."
We can now rest easy in knowing that we’ve helped the fight against evil today, albeit in the laziest way possible.
