Call it fate, call it karma, call it a desperate ploy to see some boobs
This week in musician want ads
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- Taking advantage of bored girls, young photographers, and the field of science
- "Young appeal," "old lumps of coal," and other ways to stymie your critics
- Looking for hot girls, bigger layabouts than Brian Wilson, and people who love Jesus (but don't love Jesus)
- To dream the impossible, impractical, poorly defined dream—and the one where you impress Slash
- How to make a name for yourself (or just let some stranger on Craigslist do it)
Austin has a large, vibrant music scene that spans just about every conceivable genre. But for every band that actually books a show and plays, there are thousands of people trying to begin that process. Where do these lonely hearts find each other? In the local want ads and on Craigslist of course. As part of a recurring series, The A.V. Club takes a look at this week’s postings for some of the more notable rockstars/pretend rockstars-in-waiting.
Ad title: Girl burlesque dancer needed (Austin)
Background: After six years, “experimental rock band” A Crack In The Wall has figured out that it’s never going to break out of the coffeehouse circuit unless it makes some drastic improvements—namely by distracting everyone with some titties. "We're looking for a woman dancer to wear sexy outfits and dance for us on the stage and at times be nearly naked,” the ad states, with what we can only hope is an abiding sense of shame.
Influences: The sudden realization that the only way to get people to pay attention to you is to be a big ol’ whore—or, you know, hire one.
Requirements: Breasts, and a willingness to shake them. (Note that it stresses a girl burlesque dancer.) You should also be cool with costumes, stage props (dibs on the giant baby bottle!), and crass exploitation without much payoff.
Analysis: We know it can be disheartening when you start playing and everybody in the room just goes out for a smoke break, A Crack In The Wall, but is roping in some equally desperate naked woman—who apparently couldn’t find a home in one of the 10 million burlesque troupes in town—really the answer?
Ad title: Burlesque Troupe Seeking Jazz 3 piece or more
Background: Oh, shit. Seriously? Simon, the "writer/director" for a burlesque group composed of “six really gorgeous women” is looking for "an established band" to perform alongside a couple times a month. Is this sudden proliferation of burlesque-related bartering a harbinger of the next Depression or something?
Influences: Jazz Age nostalgia, along with a fondness for contemporary kitsch, judging from Simon’s request that the band play the occasional contemporary hit for the girls to sing, American Idol-style. So: Pretty much every other burlesque troupe in Austin, if not the entire world?
Requirements: Applicants must be well-versed in improvisational jazz, and be cool with being ignored by almost everyone in the audience except a handful of dudes who are really, really into drum kits.
Analysis: Ditch the experimental rock and get your jazz on, A Crack In The Wall—kismet like this doesn't come around too often!
Ad title: If i dont start screaming soon im gonna go postal! (austin)
Background: Some 32-year-old dude we're just a little bit scared of is "looking to sing/scream in a new project ASAFUCKINGP,” as his "years of experience" have made him realize that there's "not much time left" ("haha"), and apparently he's going to lose his shit.
Influences: Five straight years of diminishing returns. An inability to cope.
Requirements: It seems pretty crucial that anyone who responds to the ad be skilled at talking people down from the ledge, and self-confident enough to tell your singer that you need to postpone practice, even though you know he's going to scream, "I DON'T CARE THAT YOU HAVE A BIG PROJECT DUE AT WORK! I NEED THIS!" before throwing his cell phone across the room.
Analysis: Someone needs to call this guy’s dad and have him open up a fresh can of “Life’s not fair.”
Ad title: looking to start a band (multi-genre) ((N/Cen Austin))
Background: After eight years of failed attempts, a musician still in search of his perfect band throws this Hail Mary post: “Look I’ve tried this time and time again but I am still hopeful ‘cause I’ve been doing this for 8yrs and without hope you really can’t get much done.” He (or she) doesn’t specify exactly who they are or what they want to play, but they know they need a “lead guitarist, bassist, versatile drummer, and preferably a female singer who can harmonize” to do it.
Influences: They’re not kidding about the “multi-genre” part: Listed influences include Tori Amos, John Lennon, Deftones, Tool, Regina Spektor, The Mars Volta, Red Hot Chili Peppers, Modest Mouse, Nine Inch Nails, Stone Temple Pilots, and Flobots, plus several Mexican ranchera singers. We don’t know what that sounds like when you put it all together, but we’re pretty sure it has something to do with the end of the Mayan calendar.
Requirements: “A small twist I’d like to try is using star signs.” Presumably this means if you’re a Cancer but he’s a Sagittarius, this goth-rap-prog-funk-folklorico band may not be very good.
Analysis: We’re getting a read on your horoscope, anonymous poster. It says, “Today is a day for giving up.”
