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Blog Chuck Norris is my President

He doesn't run for office. Offices run from him. 

chuck norris Meet Chuck's Secretary Of State and Secretary Of Shutting The Fuck Up.
by Dan Solomon March 28, 2009

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I'm a fairly good example of your average, effete, liberal, Stuff White People Like stereotype. Mos Def is totally my favorite rapper. I still have that Will.I.Am "Yes We Can" song on my iPod. During the campaign season, I wrote Barack Obama fan-fiction (he wakes up on the island from Lost!). By all appearances, there's no difference between a guy like me and the sort of twentysomething you'd find in any other "progressive" city in America. But when I read Chuck Norris' diatribe on right-wing cesspool WorldNetDaily about how he wants to be president of an independent nation of Texas, I felt a stirring in my soul that my counterparts in Portland and Chicago could never understand. 
Now, I can acknowledge that Chuck Norris is A Force Of One for the type of Silent Rage that results in the Forced Vengeance and An Eye For An Eye politics that I find so personally repugnant. I'm grown up enough to accept that he's no Hero And The Terror of living in a nation where Chuck Norris is Top Dog—especially for my gay friends, given that Norris' staunch support of Prop 8 suggests that he'd like to see a Slaughter In San Francisco—would result in a Hellbound life where some of my most fervently held beliefs go Missing In Action. But even bearing all of that in mind, I have to admit: Being a citizen of the “Chucktatorship” sounds pretty badass.
So, while it goes against most of the things I've believed about myself, I'd like to officially toss out my political ideology and wholeheartedly endorse the nuttiness that is Chuck Norris' Texas secession movement. I know I'm not alone here, either. My proud, Lone Star-swilling brethren—the ones with “Texas Pride” tattoos and big belt buckles that are only kinda ironic—I know you're with me. Let's help Chuck realize his vision by vetting some of his potential running mates.
 

H. Ross Perot
Pros: No stranger to insane political campaigns, Perot's quixotic—and once upon a time, alarmingly realistic—bids for the presidency of the United States Of Wussy America gives him an awesome selling point. He's also a multibillionaire, so he could help Texas buy some weapons for the armed insurrection that would no doubt have to precede any secession.
Cons: In 2008, Perot endorsed Mitt Romney—a fierce rival of Chuck's guy, Mike Huckabee. There might still be some tension there. Plus, Perot's a shrimp-y little guy, and he'd look downright silly next to Norris on the stump.

Willie Nelson
Pros: A native Texan like Willie would shore up some bona fides for the Oklahoma-born Norris, especially among those who can't stand OU. He'd also go a long way toward bridging the divides of Texas’ "cowboys and hippies" political identity. I know I'd feel a lot safer about being ruled by Chuck Norris if Willie Nelson were keeping a bloodshot eye on him.
Cons: A Venn diagram showing the areas where Chuck Norris and Willie Nelson agree on issues would probably be limited to "Beards are awesome" and "We love Texas.”

Ultimate Warrior
Pros: As two prominent ’80s-era fighting-legends-turned-conservative-pundits with Texas roots (Ultimate Warrior got his start wrestling in Fort Worth), Chuck Norris and the Warrior are a perfect pair: It’s like getting two Chucks at once!
Cons: Not a whole lot of diversity to the ticket—and besides, anyone who'd be swayed by Ultimate Warrior would probably already be a lock for Chuck. (And there's at least a 50/50 chance that the dude's too stupid to tie his own shoes. After all, he legally changed his name to "Warrior." Seriously.)

 

 

Dan Solomon
Pros: When Sidekicks—starring the late Jonathan Brandis as a nerdy, asthmatic kid with no friends who idolizes Chuck Norris—was released, your humble author was a nerdy, asthmatic kid with no friends who idolized Chuck Norris. In the movie, Brandis' character receives the opportunity to see his teaming-up-with-Chuck fantasies come to life. In the real world, however, such an opportunity has yet to come my way. Give me the job and right a cosmic wrong!
Cons: None that I can see. We’d obviously be awesome together. 

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