Frantic Clam
By its very nature, the clam is an introvert—hence the euphemisms “to clam up” (meaning “to refuse to talk”) and even “clammy” (as in “The thought of having to karaoke ‘Rock You Like A Hurricane’ in front of that many people made Stefan’s hands go all clammy”). For a clam to become agitated enough to be “frantic”—as the name of local art-rock group Frantic Clam suggests—something must have seriously gone wrong under the sea. The growing crisis of overfishing, perhaps? Global warming affecting wave motion? Rising mercury levels? Or maybe it's just that clams live in a perpetual state of jealousy of their uppity mollusk brothers, the oysters, who think they’re so fucking special just because they can spit out pearls—and when people who never paid attention in 8th grade biology confuse the two, well, it hurts them deep inside their bivalve. It’s kind of like how Bill Paxton has to always put up with being mistaken for Bill Pullman: “I mean, we’re both just trying to do our thing here, man, and besides, we don’t look anything alike! Bill Paxton was in Aliens and oysters attach themselves to the substrate, and Bill Pullman was in Spaceballs and clams bury themselves in the sediment!” Pffft. No wonder they’re upset.
