"Need marching band" and other prayers Craigslist can't answer
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Austin has a large, vibrant music scene that spans just about every conceivable genre. But for every band that actually books a show and plays, there are thousands of people trying to begin that process. Where do these lonely hearts find each other? In the local want ads and on Craigslist of course. As part of a recurring series, The A.V. Club takes a look at this week’s postings for some of the more notable rockstars/pretend rockstars-in-waiting.
Ad title: Need Marching Band in Parade (Cedar Park Medical Center)
Background: Once again proving the dangers inherent in leaving the organizing of a charity parade to a staff of unpaid volunteers—who can forget the tragedy of the 2003 Central Texas Snake Handlers Society's Reptile Rights March And Pancake Breakfast?—the Austin Dog Alliance is scrambling to somehow find an entire fucking marching band before next month’s "Paws In The Park.” Seriously, why not just post a Craiglist ad seeing if anyone has a carnival they’re not using that weekend?
Influences: That scene in Dave Chappelle's Block Party where he recruits a marching band to play "Jesus Walks" at his festival, just by showing up and asking. Procrastination.
Requirements: Parade-leading experience preferred, obviously, as is having an entire fucking marching band at your disposal. Although there is a clever caveat in the form of "we are in need of a marching band, or the like,” so there’s obviously some room for interpretation there. We’d say as long as you have 10-12 people who can make some sort of noise while walking in a straight line, you might have a shot.
Analysis: Hey Austin Dog Alliance: It took all of 30 seconds for us to find the Minor Mishap Marching Band on Google. Sometimes Craigslist isn’t the answer to all life’s problems, okay?
Ad title: im tryin singing, and i need another singer/guitarist (Austin)
Background: A brave yet calculatedly aloof young man who's unsure of whether or not he's got the vocal chops to go with the sort of jaunty pop-rock songs he’s been banging out on acoustic guitar posts a MySpace link asking you to tell him whether he sounds “ok to other people and if i should keep on singing or just stop tryin.” Oh, “and here’s a picture of me I dunno.” Yeah, we dunno either.
Influences: The dying screams of suffocated kittens. Dashboard Confessional.
Requirements: A mean-spirited impulse to give a guy who already suspects that he sucks quantitative confirmation. A heroic need to prevent yet another dorm-room superstar who learned four chords on the guitar from “taking it to the next level,” for the greater good.
Analysis: Whether you think you can or you can’t, you’re right. But in this case, no, you can’t.
Ad title: Weedeater type sh*t (Drummer or whatever) (Austin)
Background: In the impassioned-yet-strangely-apathetic rhetoric that so often defines stoner metal fans, this post from “Neight” alternates between a rant about how much the Austin scene sucks—except for The Sword, whom he is supposedly "friends with," there are apparently zero bands who meet his criteria for “blow your ass away shit”—and an oddly confrontational bid to find a drummer and a bassist to “get high” with and then, uh, "learn some cover songs.” That ought to fix the scene real good!
Influences: The sad mixture of resentment and deep-seated insecurity that causes you to be both a chest-puffing, metalhead misanthrope and a shameless name-dropper.
Requirements: The ad is pretty much nothing but requirements, and if you can’t meet them, you’re cordially invited to “fuck off.” To wit: "If you want to be on MTV fuck off. If you want to be on 101X fuck off." (Not sure what this means for his buddies The Sword, who are on both 101X and MTV.) "A good ear is a golden thing. Just don't have time to teach." (Translation: "I don't know what I'm doing and would be unable to explain any of it to anyone else.") "If you got a ego fuck off... Fuck your drum rolls and guitar solos." Excited to play with this guy yet?
Analysis: Jamming on a Melvins cover with some petulant stoner who will constantly blame the band’s inability to ever land a decent gig on “how shitty the Austin scene is,” and then eventually turn bitter toward even The Sword when they refuse to book him as an opener? If that doesn’t sound like fun to you, you must not be into “blow your ass away shit.” You should probably fuck off.
Ad title: Looking for piano lessons for my daughter!! (round rock)
Background: A woman whose 6-year-old daughter is "a fast learner and loves music" is trolling Craigslist for a piano teacher. Great idea! That’s a much better plan than simply Googling “piano teacher Austin”!
Influences: The belief that the world is full of good souls, even on the Internet. An inability to work the Yellow Pages.
Requirements: "I would prefer someone who is friendly and has patience”—but we guess if you’re ruthlessly mean and have a tendency to shriek at little girls who don’t practice their scales at home like they’re supposed to!, well, she’ll have to take what she can get. After all, what other choice does she have? She’d also prefer “someone I can trust, especially around children,” which makes us wonder if she's ever been on Craigslist before.
Analysis: Lady, we read these ads every week. We wouldn’t trust the creeps on Craigslist around a 6-year-old dog.
