Nutjobs, conservative and otherwise
This week in musician want ads
Austin has a large, vibrant music scene that spans just about every conceivable genre. But for every band that actually books a show and plays, there are thousands of people trying to begin that process. Where do these lonely hearts find each other? In the local want ads and on Craigslist of course. As part of a recurring series, The A.V. Club takes a look at this week’s postings for some of the more notable rockstars/pretend rockstars-in-waiting.
Ad title: Du Bist Enin Drummer? (South Austin, homie g-funk)
Background: As you might have surmised from the always-unnecessary use of pidgin-German and the baffling inclusion of "homie g-funk,” this guy searching for his dream drummer—like so many on Craigslist these days—believes the quickest way to the heart is through the funny bone. Which is so much more useful to would-be musicians than, you know, actually talking about music.
Influences: David Icke, Alex Jones, and Ron Paul get name-checked (something we’re sure Ron Paul would be thrilled about), so apparently a fervor for limited constitutional government, a distrust of the New World Order, and the belief that history is being controlled by shape-shifting “reptilians” comprise the backbeat he’s looking for, possibly for songs like "Fuck Tha Federal Reserve" and "The Swine Flu Vaccine Is A Joke." He’s also got a thing for Wilhelm Reich, Mahatma Gandhi, and Nikola Tesla, which may be his way of saying he’s looking for a playing style that can be orgastically potent, non-violently resilient, and electromagnetic. Either that, or he picked three names at random off that day’s episode of Jeopardy!.
Requirements: He’s looking for someone who can “manipulate the fabric of space time using sonics,” so hopefully you’ve also taken lots of acid. As we said, there’s next to nothing about what that might sound like, but something tells us an appreciation for Frank Zappa wouldn’t be out of order.
Analysis: Don't do it! The CIA will just end up blowing up your tour van to keep people from hearing The Truth.
Ad title: WANTED: musician(s) for wedding proposal (South Austin)
Background: A shot rings out in the Craigslist sky as one man comes in the name of love, hoping he’ll find some folks willing to stroll out of the bushes with a guitar and a violin and play "I Wanna Hold Your Hand" (or maybe "Why Don't We Do It In The Road"?) while he pops the question to his girlfriend. Who says romance is dead?
Influences: The belief that nothing in life can’t be made more meaningful by the trite addition of Beatles songs. A lack of easy access to a stadium scoreboard and/or gorilla suit.
Requirements: Don’t be a flake—which we realize pretty much precludes at least half the people on Craigslist. After all, nothing says, “This marriage is going to be a collision of the big ideas I'm unable to pull off and the waning tolerance you'll have for them as our relationship drags on" like hiring some baked-out-of-their-minds Paul and Ringo stand-ins, then calling them when they fail to show up only to hear a stunned, "Dude, was that today?"
Analysis: The fact that he posted this a mere two days before the big event doesn’t bode particularly well for his ability to plan for the future. This marriage is gonna work out great!
Ad title: Conservative artists need to meet up (Downtown)
Background: A lonely, thirtysomething guitarist/keyboardist whose interests include making “science fiction, haunted house sounds” and talking about how Glenn Beck is totally right is bummed that all the musicians in this town seem to be so darned progressive. Where are all the “loud, fast rockers” who voted McCain? He’d like them to join his Facebook group.
Influences: "Just about everything that gets played on KVRX” (though he probably bums out when it switches to KOOP's news and public affairs). These guys.
Requirements: You should "love making music" and be "roughly my age”—which means you "remember the ’80s and ’90s with considerable clarity,” i.e. no druggies or Clinton apologists. And presumably you should be totally fine with being a professional musician with no hopes of ever getting universal health coverage, because you know… Hitler death panels. [Insert haunted house sound.]
Analysis: In the interest of reaching across the aisle, here’s a suggestion: Maybe you should just start small and try to find some common ground with all those weak-willed Dems you’re rejecting. Sure, they may not all want to see Sean Hannity become dictator-for-life, or fervently believe that Obama is from Muslim City, Kenya, but odds are some of those guitar players wouldn’t mind boning Sarah Palin either.
