Special "God's Will" Edition
This week in musician want ads
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Austin has a large, vibrant music scene that spans just about every conceivable genre. But for every band that actually books a show and plays out, there are thousands of people trying to begin that process. Where do these lonely hearts find each other? In the local want ads and on Craigslist of course. In the first of a recurring feature, Decider takes a look at this week’s postings for some of the more notable rockstars/pretend rockstars-in-waiting.
Ad title: New band start-up OPEN FIST
Background: In a holy-crap-he’s-not-kidding-is-he? ad that reads way more like a cover letter for a data entry job than anything having to do with rock ’n’ roll, this self-described “strong lead and back-up vocalist with excellent leadership, team-building, and organizational skills, plus extensive business management experience" is looking for someone who can play lead guitar and/or keyboards. He'd also like to find someone who has a burning desire to “deliver ‘real life meets inspiration’” (whatever that means)—which will hopefully compensate for what he admits is his greatest weakness: "actual musical creativity.” This is all because he “tends to over-think the process.” No! Really?
Influences: An equally powerful faith in Jesus Christ and corporate buzzwords; obsessive-compulsive disorder.
Requirements: A passion and/or tolerance for hollow, circuitous management-speak is crucial, seeing as you’ll be asked to actualize the band's goal "to deliver lyrics representing the gamut [of] real life emotion, creating a residue of inspiration, empathy, and compassion, all set to music that punctuates said lyrical stories and messages.” (Inspired yet?) Specifically, you "must have vocal harmonies ability, artistic vision, authenticity, creativity, and ability to steer other talent in a group towards making the vision a reality." So basically, be a ridiculously talented musician with amazing songs who loves being micro-managed to death, especially by an admittedly talent-less guy with nothing to contribute besides his own humorless will to succeed. Oh, and you should also have an “edgy but marketable” sound, and probably be willing to put up with frequent group prayers. Rock and fuckin’ roll, dude.
Analysis: True, music is a business like any other, but this one actually manages to make slaving away in a cubicle sound more appealing.
Background: In a holy-crap-he’s-not-kidding-is-he? ad that reads way more like a cover letter for a data entry job than anything having to do with rock ’n’ roll, this self-described “strong lead and back-up vocalist with excellent leadership, team-building, and organizational skills, plus extensive business management experience" is looking for someone who can play lead guitar and/or keyboards. He'd also like to find someone who has a burning desire to “deliver ‘real life meets inspiration’” (whatever that means)—which will hopefully compensate for what he admits is his greatest weakness: "actual musical creativity.” This is all because he “tends to over-think the process.” No! Really?
Influences: An equally powerful faith in Jesus Christ and corporate buzzwords; obsessive-compulsive disorder.
Requirements: A passion and/or tolerance for hollow, circuitous management-speak is crucial, seeing as you’ll be asked to actualize the band's goal "to deliver lyrics representing the gamut [of] real life emotion, creating a residue of inspiration, empathy, and compassion, all set to music that punctuates said lyrical stories and messages.” (Inspired yet?) Specifically, you "must have vocal harmonies ability, artistic vision, authenticity, creativity, and ability to steer other talent in a group towards making the vision a reality." So basically, be a ridiculously talented musician with amazing songs who loves being micro-managed to death, especially by an admittedly talent-less guy with nothing to contribute besides his own humorless will to succeed. Oh, and you should also have an “edgy but marketable” sound, and probably be willing to put up with frequent group prayers. Rock and fuckin’ roll, dude.
Analysis: True, music is a business like any other, but this one actually manages to make slaving away in a cubicle sound more appealing.
Ad title: Theremin player for hire
Background: A clever young man “in need of cash” hits upon a novel way to weather the recession: offering up his Theremin skills to the highest bidder.
Influences: His MySpace page lists bands like Wilco, The Beach Boys, Of Montreal, and Os Mutantes, i.e. pretty much exactly what you’d expect. (What, no L.A. Guns?)
Requirements: For someone who's trying to sell a, shall we say, less-than-marketable skill in a tight economy, Mr. Wave My Hands Around An Electric Stick has some surprisingly specific stipulations. For starters, he patently won’t do the one song every Theremin player should be required to whip out at any time on command, because why the fuck else is it even there? ("Please do not ask me to play 'Good Vibrations.'") He also isn't interested in any gig that would require him to read sheet music. Could he please have some money now?
Analysis: While it's probably not the worst get-rich-quick scheme we've ever heard of, becoming a Theremin mercenary is practically right up there with those “I’ll put your poetry to music” scams. Might we recommend doing a study at PPD? If you're in for more than two weeks, they'll even let you bring your Theremin. But you damn well better play “Good Vibrations” for everybody.
Background: A clever young man “in need of cash” hits upon a novel way to weather the recession: offering up his Theremin skills to the highest bidder.
Influences: His MySpace page lists bands like Wilco, The Beach Boys, Of Montreal, and Os Mutantes, i.e. pretty much exactly what you’d expect. (What, no L.A. Guns?)
Requirements: For someone who's trying to sell a, shall we say, less-than-marketable skill in a tight economy, Mr. Wave My Hands Around An Electric Stick has some surprisingly specific stipulations. For starters, he patently won’t do the one song every Theremin player should be required to whip out at any time on command, because why the fuck else is it even there? ("Please do not ask me to play 'Good Vibrations.'") He also isn't interested in any gig that would require him to read sheet music. Could he please have some money now?
Analysis: While it's probably not the worst get-rich-quick scheme we've ever heard of, becoming a Theremin mercenary is practically right up there with those “I’ll put your poetry to music” scams. Might we recommend doing a study at PPD? If you're in for more than two weeks, they'll even let you bring your Theremin. But you damn well better play “Good Vibrations” for everybody.
Ad title: Christian Drummer - Looking for Serious Band Opportunity (Round Rock/Austin)
Background: A 29-year-old drummer who's been playing for a year on a "very simple kit," is ready to take the plunge and get serious about joining a band—but only if it'll make a "real impact for Christ". Word of warning, dude: Christ is gonna want some Rototoms.
Influences: “Rock, alternative, and punk, but I’m definitely open to learning other styles.” If your Christian grindcore duo needs someone to keep time, you’ve found your guy.
Requirements: As a family man with a full-time job who doesn't want to take time away “just to satisfy my own desires,” he’s only willing to be “be a part of something that God has blessed.” So, you know, as soon as the heavens part and the angels set up the amplifiers, he’s all ready to rock.
Analysis: Most musician want ads spring from a selfish need for fame and fortune; this one, however, was posted "at God's leading.” That means “He will provide the right group of people if it’s His will to happen.” Hark ye, young drummer: We are but His humble servants, and His spirit flows through us. Look ye upon a band named OPEN FIST. Hallelujah.
Background: A 29-year-old drummer who's been playing for a year on a "very simple kit," is ready to take the plunge and get serious about joining a band—but only if it'll make a "real impact for Christ". Word of warning, dude: Christ is gonna want some Rototoms.
Influences: “Rock, alternative, and punk, but I’m definitely open to learning other styles.” If your Christian grindcore duo needs someone to keep time, you’ve found your guy.
Requirements: As a family man with a full-time job who doesn't want to take time away “just to satisfy my own desires,” he’s only willing to be “be a part of something that God has blessed.” So, you know, as soon as the heavens part and the angels set up the amplifiers, he’s all ready to rock.
Analysis: Most musician want ads spring from a selfish need for fame and fortune; this one, however, was posted "at God's leading.” That means “He will provide the right group of people if it’s His will to happen.” Hark ye, young drummer: We are but His humble servants, and His spirit flows through us. Look ye upon a band named OPEN FIST. Hallelujah.
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