What's the matter with kids (and old men, and guys who use Latin for no reason) these days?
This week in musician want ads
Austin has a large, vibrant music scene that spans just about every conceivable genre. But for every band that actually books a show and plays, there are thousands of people trying to begin that process. Where do these lonely hearts find each other? In the local want ads and on Craigslist of course. As part of a recurring series, The A.V. Club takes a look at this week’s postings for some of the more notable rockstars/pretend rockstars-in-waiting.
Ad title: ageless
Background: A 54-year-old man goes off his meds and on the defensive as he explains in this nutty, self-serving rant to no one in particular (besides the helper monkey who typed it in, of course) that age ain't nuthin' but a number. Also, the Internet is ruining music, blah blah blah (“some odd % of rock pop rap is down loaded for free"), and these kids today should get off his lawn and let him rock, because he can still show you a thing or two, etc. etc. Hey, shut up, old-timer! We’re talkin’ ’bout our generation. You wouldn’t understand!
Influences: He gets a lot of inspiration from "roddney dANGERFRIELD," apparently, because he "WAS 55 WHEN HE GOT HIS BREAK AND HE WAS aboutTHE BIGGEST THING IN THE WORLD ALLMOST.” Also "geo h.arssoin from the Beatles," who once lamented, possibly while high, that he became a huge superstar in his teens because it delayed his learning all that bullshit modal jazz crap that eventually made listening to his music such a drag. Never mind that Harrison had the luxury of lamenting being really fucking famous while also being really fucking famous, or that Dangerfield’s “middle-aged loser” persona doesn’t exactly translate to rock ’n’ roll.
Requirements: Just the patience to shut up and listen, and perhaps a little bit of goddamn courtesy: Lately he's "been playing with school age kids and 20yr olds” whom he suckers in by not disclosing his age on Craigslist, but most of these ingrates "wont give me a call even after I show what I got going”—by which he presumably means his guitar skills, not the huge chip on his shoulder. If you can look past that, you could be set for life, as he’s had an "offer from major on table for 6 yrs now" (bet that’s still good!) and he’s just now getting around "to talk too 3 more.” Which just seems kind of rude, considering he’s kept that one label hanging for more than half a decade, but hey, we're just snot-nosed kids who don't know anything, probably.
Analysis: "Hang it there u old farts, your time has come! stillwater ok.” Stillwater ok, indeed, sir. Stillwater ok, indeed.
Ad title: aut viam inveniam aut faciam (the road)
Background: In an attempt to find a group of musicians "intrigued" by clichés so long as they're written in Latin, this bassist announces in that pretentious-yet-still-inarticulate manner unique to rock musicians that he’s finally (finally!) ready to make the switch to guitar and step into a lead role. Now he just needs to find another guitarist, as well as a "bassist, drummer, keys, lap steel, whatever" to help him "make a scene, eat the food when it's there and make a mess of things!" If it didn’t specifically mention instruments, this could probably double as a flyer for one of those groups where men get together to read Walt Whitman and cry about their dads.
Influences: "Being a product of the ‘80s,” he’s been influenced by classic Reagan-era stuff like, um, ’90s alterna-rocker PJ Harvey, mid-century jazz great Charles Mingus, ’00s stoner dudes Queens Of The Stone Age, Beethoven (whom we believe was in George Clinton’s band?), ’60s soundtrack composer Ennio Morricone, and proto-punks the MC5, plus actual ’80s artists Killing Joke and Metallica. Much as, being products of the ’80s, we quite enjoy the printing press, the Teapot Dome scandal, and Bluetooth technology.
Requirements: Knowing what he means by wanting to play "stripped down rock that tastes like lead, sometimes heavy like gold and shiny like a shard of glass" and being willing to do it anyway. And hey, if those frustratingly oblique abstractions don't grab you, why not take "I want it to include the things that I like about music" for a spin? Unfortunately, if you're the sort of person who insists on specifics, the best we can offer is "I want it to be collaborative but with a goal in mind"—as opposed to those collaborations where everyone just runs in a crazy circle doing whatever they want, we guess.
Analysis: He says he hopes his dream project will be "to modern music what [Rat Fink creator] Ed Roth was to the ’50s.” So, basically yet another psychobilly/stoner metal/Nashville Pussy-style rock band? Did you really need Latin to say that?
Ad title: Lead Guitarist/Song Writing Compadre to form band core
Background: Maybe Mean Mr. Mustard up there was right: Kids today just aren’t in it for the passion anymore. For example, this "versatile rock singer/guitarist" is seeking a "compadre" to "write and record modern music” with—not so they can produce epoch-defining albums or change anyone’s life, but with the express purpose of placing it in “movies, TV, video games, etc.” We’ve never heard of anyone specifically looking to make aural wallpaper before; he’s either hit upon a next-wave niche, or this is the beginning of the end.
Influences: If he’s hoping to make music that’s enjoyable but not so interesting that it would steal attention away from whatever’s happening on Gossip Girl, he could certainly do worse than taking cues from Coldplay, U2, Kings Of Leon, Massive Attack, Sade, and John Mayer. We’re not sure where the more hard-rockin’ Soundgarden, A Perfect Circle, Filter, Stone Temple Pilots, or Led Zeppelin fit in, but maybe he’d also like to get on CSI?
Requirements: If you believe that playing music is a constant battle of “art versus commerce,” you’re gonna have to go ahead and pick a horse. He may be looking for “talented and ambitious players,” but in this case “ambition” is less about achieving a fulfilling creative goal than, say, getting your song on the soundtrack of some UT student’s mumblecore film. As a definite afterthought, he does mention that he'd "also like to play shows and tour"—but don’t worry, as that probably won’t happen until you land a song on some Guitar Hero knockoff for the Nintendo DSi.
Analysis: Becoming a successful band is exhausting work, even when your goal is to do something you love. We reckon it's downright miserable when your only goal is to get a song you wrote in a car commercial.
