Why won't you assholes join my stupid band for jerks?
This week in musician want ads
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Austin has a large, vibrant music scene that spans just about every conceivable genre. But for every band that actually books a show and plays, there are thousands of people trying to begin that process. Where do these lonely hearts find each other? In the local want ads and on Craigslist of course. As part of a recurring series, The A.V. Club takes a look at this week’s postings for some of the more notable rockstars/pretend rockstars-in-waiting.
Ad title: drummer here needs a band... (south austin)
Background: A 27-year-old "heavy metal/rock drummer" with a disdain for "frat-boy rock such as Nickelback" and "pop rock such as Paramore" is looking to either start or join a band who wants to play "some original metal rock ’n’ roll.” But oddly enough, he can’t seem to find anyone worthy to “jam with.”
Influences: “If you take Pantera, Motörhead, Smashing Pumpkins (pre-Adore), Alice In Chains, and Slayer and mix all that up, that’s what I need.” (You and you alone, buddy.)
Requirements: First of all, you can forget about practicing anywhere but at his house—and Music Lab is definitely out, because he’s right across the street from one of its locations, and it "makes no sense to haul it over there when I can play right where I’m at for free." All you need to do is suck it up and bring over your own P.A. You’ve got one of those, right? If not, why are you wasting his time? Also, all you would-be Billy Corgans should be aware that this dude writes his own drum parts. He's "not just gonna play whatever you may want”—he saves that for the paying gigs. (Oh yeah, he went there.) Furthermore, you better bring it: If your shitty band doesn't pique his interest, he won't even pay you the courtesy of a response. In fact, if it takes more than two days to hear from him, "consider it no deal.” Go back to practicing your Nickelback at Music Lab, loser.
Analysis: Gee, it’s almost like his ridiculously specific set of restrictions on what he will and patently won’t do coupled with—by his own admission—sounding “like an ass” in his post are somehow turning people off! Doesn’t every band enjoy having its every move preemptively dictated by its asshole drummer who hasn't even joined yet?
Ad title: Get Real People... NEKRIST Needs a Drummer (Austin)
Background: Yow. "Massieman,” who plays guitar in something called Nekrist alongside his brother (no word on if that's his actual brother, honorary “blood brother,” or some sort of Church of Satan, “brother in eeevil” kind of bullshit) seems to be calling out the aforementioned drummer with a lonely heart—along with anyone else who’s ever “flaked” on him, and possibly his dad—directly in this invective-laden post. “"What else are you looking for... You mention Pantera, Slayer, etc., and I offer you Nekrist,” he cries, bemoaning his inability to get a decent response, despite apparently replying to every single drummer on Craigslist.
Influences: The belief that Nekrist's sloppy, high school-caliber "fast pased [sic], ADRENALINE induced, fire breathing noise pollution" is so “in yer face” that “most fuckers can’t handle it”—and not that people aren’t responding simply because they don’t like his band.
Requirements: The ability to "handle" a tune like the aptly named, self-unaware "Stale Attempt" is a must, as is the shared delusion that anything in the warmed-over industrial metal music scene—let alone the mediocre Nekrist—is going to “break some ground” or “cause some commotion."
Analysis: If not wanting anything to do with "Massieman" or his cringe-inducing band is the definition of “flake,” then we’ll be over here, kicking back in our cereal bowl and taking a nice, long milk bath. Join us, Austin.
Ad title: BASS PLAYER filling out your job application (Austin)
Background: A local bassist, tired of blending in with the Craigslist herd—and probably only getting hits from “that dude from Nekrist”—has taken the innovative tack of conducting a fake interview with himself about why he’d be a good fit for your band. Much like your average Tonight Show appearance, most of these are in the form of softball set-ups, lobbed merely to elicit pre-arranged punchlines: "Q) Is your bass gear worth more than your car? A) I believe it is!!" Could we maybe get Chris Matthews in here to yell at this guy?
Influences: Clutch. Motörhead. Soundgarden. Black Sabbath. The FAQ section of your favorite Geocities website. Carl Reiner and Mel Brooks’ The 2,000-Year-Old Bassist Who Still Thinks He’s Gonna “Make It.”
Requirements: Not many, given that the structure of this ad presupposes an agreeable inquisitor who only asks him about his favorite things—except for country music ("Hate that shit!!"). Oh, if only he could clone himself! He and his double could have wicked Sabbath jams, followed by late-night pajama parties where they get high and do nothing but banter!
Analysis: Q) How do you feel about adding to your band a wacky bassist who's probably going to spend three minutes between each song acting out his own personal, painfully amateur stand-up routine? A) Is that slot in Nekrist still available?
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