5 New Year's resolutions for the relapsed
Don't you want to be as warm as these lovebirds?
Party’s over. Now that your liver just fully healed, you can revisit that New Year’s Resolution list. Okay, you’re not going to be nicer to your co-workers, you wouldn’t even know where to begin with that whole “adopt a sea turtle” thing, and one item on the list is so illegible you can’t tell if it was a resolution or a phone number. We’re here for you. Let’s tear that list up and make a new one that involves things you can do to really change your humdrum life.
1. Get in touch with the opposite sex by adopting their habits
Gents, try Chicago Illusions (773-777-0555), Chicago’s transvestite-learning central. Don’t worry, they don’t shove you into heels and force you to worship RuPaul. Take one of Illusions' one-on-one classes, like "color coordination" or "makeup application." As for the ladies, why not pee standing up? Go into your local Tulip store (1480 W. Berwyn Ave., 773-275-6110) and purchase a pStyle so you can feel like a real dude. Nothing’s more manly than attaching a brightly colored piece of plastic to your pelvis and pushing some pee out into the world.
2. Have a Ball Baby
Babies change lives. No questioning that. But nobody cares about your boring birth story anymore, unless it involves a kiddie pool or public transit. For a standout delivery, Doula Deb (815-867-0087) offers her services in the Chicago area, including placenta encapsulation (WTF), pictures, pain management techniques, and of course, bouncing on an exercise ball to get that baby out of your lady cave lickity split.
3. Join a whine club
Does it bother you that the person who came into the coffee house after you gets their coffee before you because they’re “cool” with the staff? Do you avoid going out because you know someone is going to say something that upsets you, like publicly dissing people who join support groups? You should join a support group to help with that! The Highly Sensitive Persons Meetup Group will lend you shoulders to cry on. Please cry quietly so you don’t hurt their ears.
4. Start treating ladies like numbers (that way they’ll sleep with you)
Pick-up artist Hunter Riley assures us that banging chicks is a numbers game. His number obsession doesn’t seem to stop with boob-endowed bar dwellers: He's offering you his wisdom at a trial deal of $1 even though “Paypal takes 33 cents of that dollar.” How can you not take him up on the offer? On his site, he claims “you deserve to be treated like someone who deserves a deal because you are most likely not a giant douche bag.” It sounds like he knows what he is talking about, unless you're a giant douche bag, and, FYI, most women believe that having a system means you are a giant douche bag.
5. Insulate Yourself
Don’t bother setting some silly weight-loss goal this year. The cost of fuel is still rising, so you’ll have an easier time buying a truckload of McRibs and coating yourself with pure saturated fat than turning your heat above 40 degrees. Besides, have you ever seen anyone happier than two fat people in love?
