Admiral Theatre trading lap dances for toy donations

The Admiral Theatre, one of Chicago’s most Yelped-about gentleman’s entertainment complexes, has established a long-standing tradition of kindness and charity. The Admiral’s staff has witnessed an unfortunate decline in customer participation in its service events, and has pooled its resources to come up with an exciting perk to pique the interest of its customer base. As if the number of sweaty dudes hanging around toy stores needed to get any higher, The Admiral Theatre is giving away a free lap dance for every new, unwrapped toy donated during its Dec. 16-18 charity event.

Worth noting is the lack of fine print disclaiming “one free dance per donor,” which means there’s nothing to keep an especially generous elderly toy-shop owner from living out his twilight years with a 23-year-old named Chastitty camped out on his wheelchair.  

In addition to the free lap dance, donors will have the chance to get their photos taken with girls dressed up like erotically charged elves (as if there is any other kind). The event is a part of the obviously punned 12 Days Of XXX-Mas celebration, a marathon of debauchery that features other perverse holiday events like a stripperfied rendition of The Nutcracker, which is probably going to inspire more than a few jokes about clumsy dancers.