Talkin' Baseball Brewers or Cubs: Who's more pathetic right now?

Jason Albert: So Andy, I know it’s only the third week of April, but at what point does it become intellectually dishonest to watch what’s going on with each of our teams and still conclude we have a chance to challenge the Cardinals? For my own sanity, I’m going to open a few windows and hope like hell the stink-bomb the Brewers' pitching staff has laid thus far clears out, so I have at least something to look forward to. Still, faking it likely won’t completely dispel the early-season cloud of resignation that’s draping Miller Park in black shadows.

I’m going to need your help. Seeing as how you’re a Cubs fan, I know I’m supposed to hate you, but I’m going to assume you’re one of the 17 North Siders who isn't a pushy, loud-mouthed baffoon. Last weekend the Brewers lost a series to the Nationals. The Nationals! On Sunday, we had a 10-run lead in the first inning and Doug Davis—or rather Doug Davis’ corpse—couldn’t even stick around long enough to get the win. Whenever I visit Wrigley Field, you guys always seem so damn happy. Is it just because you’re drunk? Or do you have some deeper insight into abject disappointment that might be helpful for Brewers fans? As a rule, we’re prone to magical thinking. For instance, I still believe we have a shot to re-sign Prince Fielder.

Andy Seifert: Well Jason, you’re mostly correct about the drunkenness. You don’t spend 101 straight championship-free seasons without developing impressive drinking habits. But I’m afraid we Cubs fans don’t possess a Zen-like answer for inner baseball peace. Harry Caray’s muddled commentary single-handedly helped Cubs fans cope with perpetual defeat for about 17 years, but recently our signature happy-go-lucky attitude has faded with the towering expectations that come with a $146 million payroll, which means that in October, Wrigleyville is either bummed by the team’s utter mediocrity or stung by another late-season collapse. So far, this looks like the latter, but we should both remember: It’s way too early to start writing obituaries.

You ask if our respective teams have any chance to compete against the Cardinals. Well, I pretty much declared the Cubs season a trainwreck two weeks before it even started. But in retrospect, that was a tad melodramatic, and now that the season is starting to hit its stride and the Cubs have jumped out of gate with a casual jog, I’m remembering that the first couple of months in baseball are mostly meaningless. Case in point: The big story for the Cubs last week was that Alfonso Soriano doesn’t hop before he catches the ball anymore. (Maybe he’ll do the “suck it” move instead.) So long as your team isn’t the unquestioned worst club in baseball (looking at you, Baltimore), then there’s a chance. The Brewers will hang around .500—there’s still that daunting Ryan Braun/Prince Fielder combo in the middle, right?—and maybe they’ll catch fire down the stretch to win the wild card. Feel better, buddy?

Jason: Not a ton. It’s not Braun and Fielder I’m worried about. Obviously Fielder won’t continue the way he has, and at some point soon he’s going to rip off seven or eight homers over the course of a week. The problem—just like last year—is our arms. Trevor Hoffman is impossible not to love, but there comes a point where 42-year-old closers who can no longer tickle the upper 80s on the radar gun fail to be effective. I know it’s only a couple weeks, but he’s already given up more extra-base hits than he did all of last year. Doug Davis’ ERA hasn’t been below 4.00 since 2005, so I’m not sure why anyone thought he’d be an upgrade over Braden Looper. And while I don’t think Suppan will last long as the fifth starter—thank god—there have been no indications that Manny Parra or Chris Narveson will fare any better. If there’s anything the 2009 season taught us, it’s that trying to win by slugging alone is a recipe for a .500 season. I want to believe, I really do, but sometimes you can just tell if a team has The Look. So far, this squad has made my eyes hurt.

But fuck it, there are few places in the world better than Miller Park on a summer afternoon, so maybe I should ratchet down my expectations and just enjoy the middling ride like you sad sacks. On to more important things: With Cubs fans descending on Milwaukee this weekend, what’s best way to get under their skin? Obviously calling them losers is pointless—that’s like calling the sun hot. Do you have any insight into making the weekend’s heckling opportunities more enjoyable?

Andy: Well, these are not-so-fun subjects for Cubs fans: how tickets for Cubs home games contribute to Soriano’s paycheck; claiming that Kerry Wood isn’t tough; claiming that Mark Prior is tough; Supreme Court Justice John Paul Stevens' incendiary remarks about Babe Ruth’s called home run; referring to Wrigley Field as “a dump” without adding “but charming.” Course, we could just retort with “I’m scared of that Ben Sheets/CC Sabathia one-two punch in your rotation.” But knowing that Brewers games at Miller Park (and Astros “neutral site” games) are essentially semi-home games for the Cubs is satisfaction enough.

I’m pretty stoked for this weekend’s series, and not just because Ted Lilly—the team’s steadiest pitcher the last two years—is slated to make his first start of the year, but because the Cubs’ offense is frustratingly ineffective and the perfect remedy is facing Jeff Suppan, whom I could’ve swore retired two years ago. The spotty Brewers pitching staff helps Cubs fans appreciate the one position where their team is stacked—a Lilly/Ryan Dempster/Randy Wells top of the rotation is formidable (even after this perplexing Carlos Zambrano to the bullpen move), enough to stay in games when the offense is hacking away at pitches in the dirt. They make me consider that maybe the Cubs can keep pace with the Cardinals, just like maybe the Brewers can hang around based on purely on their offensive moxie. That’s probably wishful thinking, but maybe a little irrational optimism is healthy this early in the season. And if I’m wrong, at least the Bulls and the Bucks won’t let us down.