Local Newswire CBS columnist Dave Wischnowsky didn’t want you to work yesterday either

There’s no day that inspires united, hungover brotherly love among working Americans more than Super Bowl Monday. “Give me your tired, your damn-you-Tom-Brady-that-lost-me-$100 poor, your huddled masses regretting those seven celebratory/sorrow-drowning beers,” office water coolers from sea to shining sea seem to be beckoning.

Yesterday, on Super Bowl Monday, in a display of solidarity with queasy, grease-oozing football fans all across the nation, CBS Chicago sports columnist Dave Wischnowsky had a proposal to make: Let’s declare Super Bowl Monday a federal holiday, and we’ll do it by moving Presidents’ Day, that most arbitrary of day-off holidays in the first place, up a couple of weeks to the day after the big game.

The way Wischnowsky figures it, we’ve already yanked around George Washington’s birthday observance to serve our own selfish purposes anyway—so really, why wouldn’t we just take advantage of our first president a little bit further and enjoy a whole bleary day of hangovers and Pepto-Bismol on the inaugural commander’s tab?

“Presidents’ Day has become mostly known for stores—especially car dealerships—to hold blowout sales, not for a day to sit around and just ponder the guys who worked in the Oval Office,” Wischnowsky points out. “What is more American than football and what’s wrong with showing it some celebration, too?”

Citing 1.5 million absences from work, plus an additional 4.4 million late arrivals on the day after the Super Bowl in 2011, Wischnowsky says it’s clear that general productivity in America’s offices—and classrooms—takes a holiday on Super Bowl Monday. Wischnowsky points out there’s an actual online petition to give students and employees the day off, too.

“We, the undersigned, call on the businesses and schools of America to allow the Monday after Superbowl [sic] Sunday as a National Holiday,” reads the petition. If the aforementioned, alarmingly wide target parties of “businesses and schools” fail to ratify the petition’s terms, then fuck it—we blame Gisele Bündchen.