Jock Itch Crosstalk: Wouldn't it be great to ruin the Packers' season?

This week’s Jock Itch features a guest appearance by Jason Albert, A.V. Club Madison assistant editor and Packers fan, to talk about this week's upcoming Bears-Packers showdown.  

Jason Albert: I’ll be honest, Dan. I didn’t have a younger brother, so I feel there’s a big piece of my childhood missing—you know, that part where I got to beat on a helpless kid just because I was bigger, stronger, and had way more trophies on my wall. So I’m going to do my best to resist the overwhelming urge to give you shit about Jay Cutler, or ride you relentlessly about how the Bears mortgaged their future and have, um, what exactly to show for it? (No first or second round picks in ’10? Gaines Adams? Really?) Or even how the great Matt Forte would have a hard time gaining yards against a zero-man front these days. You and everyone else know the Bears’ future is as bright as a Precious-Antichrist-The Road triple feature.

So here’s what I want: Throw on a headset, practice your best dead-eyed, thousand-yard stare, and pretend you’re Lovie Smith. Give me a gameplan where the Bears beat the Pack on Sunday. I don’t see it. I know it’s a rivalry game, anyone can beat anyone, and we had three games' worth of penalties and dropped passes on Monday night. But the fact remains we’ve won four in a row, and that’s hard to do in the NFL. We have talent; the Bears, not so much. Take me down a notch, because I have my cheesehead jauntily askew, and I’m strutting shirtless down Michigan Avenue.

Dan Solomon: Well, I'd probably start with deep routes to Johnny Knox and Devin Hester, designed strictly to take advantage of the Packers' newfound love of pass interference. It may not help Cutler's QB rating any, but even Forte proved he can score if he gets the ball on the 1-yard line. Furthermore, I keep hearing how Aaron Rodgers is perhaps the best quarterback in the NFL when facing pressure, which plays right into our hands—our defensive line can't pressure anyone.

Hilarious jokes about my once-proud team aside, I do think it's a winnable game for us. It may sound like a bullshit stat, but Cutler's been much more consistent in the daytime than at night—12 of his 20 interceptions are from our four night games. I don't know if it's the diabetes or the pressure, but he's likely to play better than he did in Week 1. So, if I were calling the plays, I'd focus on letting him do what he does well, which is throw on the run (that's “plays designed to have him on the run,” not “plays where he's running for his life because our line collapsed”) and look for whoever Charles Woodson isn't covering. One nice thing about having all of your coaches keenly aware their jobs are on the line is that they're going to be more flexible in how they approach the gameplan.

But the main thing I'd stress is that the Packers really aren’t that good. They've won games they could’ve easily lost, and we've lost games we could've easily won. A team that farts its way through a game with the Ravens, squeaks past the 49ers, and gets clobbered by the Bucs seems like a team that's more or less on our level. Your guys may have a winning record, but the image of Rodgers being sacked, like, 50 times has to be prominent in your mind right now—so how much of your swagger is false bravado?

Jason: Less than you’d think, actually. Rodgers has only been sacked four times in the last three games. The addition of Mark Tauscher and a healthy Chad Clifton (however healthy a dude who had surgeries on both freaking knees and shoulders in the off-season can ever be) has made our O-line serviceable. It’s patchwork to be sure, but it’s working for now. You can’t throw deep to Knox and Hester because Woodson will be covering one of them, and at this point, he’s no longer human. Extra-planer stuff. And Monday night notwithstanding, Tramon Williams is fine. So forget that. Dom Capers has that whole “shutting down good running backs” thing figured out—and Forte is a running back without that all-important qualifier. That leaves you with Cutler doing what he does well. Which is what again? Running or something? You haven’t convinced me. In fact, my shirt’s still off, and I just might paint my face to boot. Any of youse flatlanders there got a cheese-filled brat and Miller Lite, hey? Yee-ha!

Speaking of your coaches’ jobs being on the line, I’ve seen reports that both Charlie Weis and Mike Martz might be in the running for Ron Turner’s offensive coordinator job. That sounds like a Scylla and Charybdis decision to me. I hate the Bears, I really do, but this makes even me sad. Haven’t you guys suffered enough? What keeps you waking up each morning and throwing on your Cade McNown jersey?

Dan: That wasn’t convincing? Shit. It's been a disappointing season, I'll admit. Still, once the playoffs went out the window, I switched my focus to hating the Packers and Vikings, and I'm hopeful the players share that same sort of petty, small-mindedness—if they can't win for their own sakes, they could still do it to fuck up your season. Maybe that's the sort of motivation they need.

Either that or the fear of playing for Martz next year. Right now the rumors are just rumors, and I don't think Weis or Martz is going to end up with the Bears. Barring some unprecedented offensive explosiveness, Ron Turner's going to be the scapegoat for the season, but I suspect we'll end up with someone who has closer ties to Cutler. Like you said—we mortgaged the future on the guy, so I'm betting we pick somebody who's had success working with him. My money would be on Jeremy Bates. And while we're prognosticating, here's my prediction for the score: Bears 19, Packers 17.

Jason: Score for what, the first half? Oh yeah, total burn! Ahem. Despite this having all the makings of a letdown game—short week post-MNF, rivalry weirdness, the Bears withering suckitude—I still think we roll. Because we are good and you’re not: Packers 30, Bears 13.